*the quote is not my property
*the quote is not my property
*the quote is not my property
Each day I am waking up with a pain in my chest and my belly, sometimes I really have the feeling I will get a heart-attack.
There is a constant anxiety in me and I really do not know anymore what to do about it. I am fighting with this feeling each day.
I am unhappy with my work, but also in a big confusion if not this, what else? It is not that I do not want to make a change. I do not know to what to change.
For the weekend I applied for about 20 jobs, about 3 of them seemed interesting, I already got 2 letters of rejection, and from the rest no respond (okay, it is not that I do not know that not all employers are giving a feedback).
I am impatient, as I cannot stand this place I am at. It is not me, it is not challenging me, it does not give me any new knowledge and I am also not interested to learn about IT things. I try to explain to myself: Gabi, at least you learned YOU will never accept again a job that is IT related.
If somebody would ask me what is my dream job I am not sure if I could answer it? Sometimes I am not even sure I want to search for a job in this country.
Do you know what is your dream job? What advice you would give to someone who is stuck?
I will not start immediately with the subject of my post..there is much more about my things..
I am lost now for more then a 2 year, sometimes I feel I am on track and then I loose the ground.
I am writing this note to myself, I am depressed like hell and I know people like to read only about good things, well, sorry to let you down I am in a hell and I do not know how to get out of it.
I lost my motivation for life, music, acting, modeling, I feel like all these things are not important anymore to me, as my life has no purpose I am just going with the flow, live my life day by day as it comes. On top of that I feel a guilt for not being a good example to my 5 year old. I feel like being another of those parents going to their works to earn for living and not enjoying their jobs and their life, they just get their salaries, pay off rental fee, living costs, take some trip maybe, but they do not feel this vibrant energy in themselves they created something good. What example is this to your child?
However, to come back to the subject, my biggest pain is:
I failed with two bands and it left such a deep scarves and dissapointment that I do not know how to handle it. I was let down so much. I invested so much energy in the bands to make it work to end up realizing I was the only enthusiastic person about it and what I see now since then they moved on doing their own music and having successes. I am not jelaous, but it hurts a lot as I know I thaught them a lot about how to do things to make things work and now I am the only one not having a band and people to work with.
Yes, I am upset and I am summarizing to understand what I was doing wrong, but all I can think of is that I was just with the wrong people with people having different goal as mine and I allowed and compromized more then I should as I tried so much to keep together the band.
I am very target oriented. If I have a goal I put into it a lot of effort and I invest all my time to make it work, this is how I did with Genuine Latin Groove. After a while I realized everything I invested from my time was later taken as granted and expected to be done by me again. E.g. one of the musicians used to be late for rehearsals or he showed up without his bass guitar to practise, I let him go, then he started to message the other behind my back how he would like to join back the band. The other guitarist was not following our group posts about rehearsals so sometimes he cancelled his attendance in the last minute or never, or he was late, when I asked him to change his approach he replied the bass player was doing the same. I asked him, so by your opinion it is how things should work? He did not know at that moment that I released the bass player because of his unseriousness. I released him from the band too.
The next time one of the musicians not having an acoustic guitar on the rehearsing day turned to me with a question where to get a guitar as he had to take his own to repair?? I do not get this approach, as he should have known he needs to fix his guitar, plus the same person has another band and in addition to that even in our band there was another member who had acoustic guitar whom he could turn to with this question (which he did in the end on my advise). The worst situation I faced was, when I arranged our concert in on of the ruinbars of Budapest where they had not equipement and I asked my bandmates for a help and advice, the same acoustic guitarist from above replied: you arranged us to play there then get the equipment.
On the same concert I organized I got pushed back in the background as the second singer – who claimed she is not interested in doing serious music and performances – took over the stage and sang from papers. After the concert I got critics on this, which I can understand. We have been rehearsing about half year and the lyrics she did not memorize.
ETC. ETC….these are just few samples..
However our last concert was the point when I finally understood I am not working with the right team. I got so tired and ashamed that couple of days later I noted the band I am leaving.
The second band setup ended the same, when I started to split tasks among the bandmates to support the music project, suddenly nobody wanted to invest time.
I do not know why musicians think it is enough to know how to play music? Let me inform you, it is not. If you have no agent, it is much more work about it to do to succeed.
This is the reason I got lost and my motivation as well, I lost my faith that it is only about not finding the proper people to do music together, at the moment I simply cannot believe this music thing will work for me, however I will keep searching.
I am still looking for an acoustic guitarist player to play Brazilian MPB songs and perform duo. On top of these songs I sing in Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Macedonian and English of course. I am one of those singers who is willing to learn, who appreciates if there is a regular schedule, task split, has serious approach and is willing to practise on a regular basis.
make a video by yourself and add these things to it 😀
hey, I had to write an eye-catchy title! Sorry 🙂
You have probably realized I have got back to corporate life recently, however I am working on building up my relationships in music industry, while actively seeking projects and collaborating with musicians like it is with Tamás and Ákos on our last video (link lower).
Those who know me personally, they know I am an open, well networking and chatty person. I approach people easily and I enjoy this, that is why my circle of friends/acquitances is so diverse, colourful and wide. I often get responds: yeah, you know everyone in the city! 🙂
If I recall my earlier years, I realize how close minded I was, meeting always the same people, listening to the same stories…how much nicer is to meet a person you do not know at all, he/she has a new story for you and you can create something new with him/her.
This is how I met Tamás. I met him via Facebook post where he was looking for an English singing singer. I messaged him and couple of days later we met. We were both cautious, but interested what the other person can offer. It was about a year and a half ago, if I recall it well…
Ever since I sang with him in Serbian, Portuguese, Macedonian …but, none of the songs were yet in English. 🙂
And the bigger irony is that our songs have no lyrics, yet they are liked, thank you for those messages we got in these 2 days for encouraging and acknowleding our work.
I am posting here our music as I am proud of it and I want to have it among my blog posts, actually for 2 days I cannot stop to listen to our music (it is on repeat all the time). I guess the feeling of something that is created by us is what makes me to like it so much. But also, it is really something I created for the first time in my life with my heart and it feels really good to share with the world.
Thank you Tamás and Ákos, but specifically Tamás for the hard work you did for compiling the music and also the video in the form it is, it is awsome!
I am looking forward to our new projects!
aaaaand READER, if you are a song-writer let us know, we need one! 🙂
It is not that I do not speak already 5 languages…why not to learn another Slavic 😀
Morning coffee in 4 Street coffee bar on Móricz Zsigmond square with a friend before going to work.
Making joke on “no smoking”. What an irony for myself…and learning Russian, of course.
Btw. AFTER watching my video continue reading an article about Russian advert “trick” for people to quit smoking, I was a bit shocked on this non-sense war and competing between Russia and the USA.
I am not promoting “Fest 7” Belorusian cigarettes, actually the opposite.
Since my friend is Russian I had to speak in Russian and not in Belorusian, however he told me to be authentical Russian looking women I should color my lip with red lipstick and behave “naturally” (he is all the time critisizing me, even now while I am posting this)…
and yes, I like to be foolish, childish!
The article I mentioned is taken from Guardian:
Oh and contact me via if you are eager to work with me 😀
read my blog: karvakg.wordpress.com
The outcome of our practising on Wednesday 23.04.2016 in Mika Tivadar with Balázs 🙂
I am looking forward to the next occasion, maybe Kazinczy 3 next week on Tuesday after my Bachata classes! 🙂
P.S. read my previous blog post for further details:
Though agreed in advance, yet spontaneously we met on Wednesday with Balázs afterworks in the Gozsdu passage of Király street.
I could hardly wait that this moment arrives again, I feel stuck in my soul when I am not singing, I do not know if you have this feeling ever, when you are really eager to do something and somehow the circumstances are not allowing you.
I mean I can sing alone and practise at home, but interraction with people of the same interest and doing it together gives me lots of joy and smile on my face – which i do not lack anyway 🙂 – however those in the moments of doing music are really true sings of my happiness.
András, my ex-collegue and close friend from Raytheon – the training company I worked for – joined us as I asked him to make couple of videos with his phone, he was happy to do it, but mentioning all the time that his phone is not the best quality (András, it does not matter, I need this for my “unprofessional blog” and for fun) 😛
Anywaaaaaay, It was the 3rd time I met with Balázs ever and the 2nd rehearsal, I know him via a common Brazilian friend Marcelo, as they both are doing Capoeira. Marcelo connected us saying you both have nice voices, see if you can do something together.
On Wednesday after practising couple of songs in Gozsdu passage I proposed him to play on the Open Mic in Mika Tivadar, the next moment I caught myself singing on the stage with him (I was more stressed then him, pffffff). He kept saying: “Engedd el” (“Let it go”). He is hanging out too much with Marcelo, he uses it all the time, plus they are even saying it with the same pronunciation.
Soooorrry, guys 😛
So, András was our spontaneous phone camera guy and the admirer :D. I will upload couple of these not pro videos these days on my Youtube channel too.
Btw. he just showed on my door at this moment with a coffee and said: “Gabi, I have a video for you” about the days we spent together. Watch it by yourself lower under my blog post 🙂
Otherwise people, I am looking for a band that is interested in playing in majority Brazilian Portuguese songs. Contact me via email@example.com, any nationality is welcome, be open and reliable.
And now we are off to Szimpla for the Columbian percussion workshop!
****UPDATE! The workshop is next week!
As I was going today to work I picked to listen to the mixed music we created with Tomazo couple of month ago. It shacked me up a bit this morning…even hearing these songs in electronic version are still strange for me, however the more I listen to it the more I start liking it…
I wrote on my Soundcloud profile about the details of this song, however I will repeat it to give you some insight what has inspired us to make this music and how we did it…
It was actually very simple process: I sang and Tomazo followed me on keyboards. 🙂
This newly created cover song is electronic mix version of two other cover songs: Ederlezi from Time of the Gypsies movie by Goran Bregović, Emir Kusturica and a song “Djurdjevdan” from a Bosnian band called “Biijelo dugme”.
The song Ederlezi (traditional folk song) reffers to a Spring festival that is celebrating the return of spring, celebrated in general by Romani people in the Balkans, Turkey and elsewhere around the world.
The original song “Ederlezi” I like in Romani version, search for it on Youtube, it gives me always goose bumps listening to it.
About “Djurdjevdan”: well, there is no Yugoslavian who does not know this song and actually I need from time to time longer breaks from it. 😀
Bijelo Dugme means White Button and it was a Yugoslav rock band, based in Sarajevo. Goran Bregovic was a guitarist in this band.
Bijelo Dugme is one of the most popular band ever existing in the former Yugoslavia and one of the most influental music band of the Yugoslav rock scene.
Read the lyrics under the music link!
And if you are interested in the lyrics, here is the translation of the Serbian part:
Spring is landing on my shoulder
Lily of the valley is sprouting
Lily of the valley is sprouting
For everyone, except for me
The roads are gone, but I’ve stayed
There is no Morning Star
There is no Morning Star
Hey, to whom does my darling now
Smells of the lily of the valley
Smells of the lily of the valley
To me never again
Here comes the dawn,
here comes the dawn
So I can pray to God
Here comes the dawn,
here comes the dawn
Hey it’s St George’s day
And I am not with the one I love
Let her name be mentioned
On every other day
On every other day
Except on St George’s day
read more on the Romani lyrics part on Wikipedia:
I am thinking of my Brazilian and Cuban friend, they told me couple of days ago: be an observer, listen to people and learn from them.
I listened to them. I was observing today in Szimpla a conversation of a movie or casting director, he was English speaking, a native person. I can recall he said he was involved in a movie shooting and casting in Hungary. Unfortunatelly, I was not brave to approach him this time and get into exchanging experiences, plus he was with three more people and I just did not wanted to bother. I also did not felt to be on top of myself for such conversation, usually I am and I like to hear other people experiences. For some reason this time I did not do it. I could send my blog post to Boscolo to share it with the people staying in their hotel, but I do not want to go that far. 😀
Why Boscolo, read further…
At the same time he started talking about his experiences, I was just finishing critisizing casting and modeling agencies in Hungary on my Instagram social networking profile. I noted down my anger and thoughts, a bit with relief I clicked save button and then I realized due to the many used hashtags nothing remained from the text under my uploaded photo. As he talked he draw my attention to the conversation and I started listening/observing his experiences with the “professional” Hungarian film industry.
He was telling a story about the job he did with one of the camera guy or photographer involved in a movie shooting.
Listen to this, this is Hungary and it’s film industry!
I am not sure I remembered all the details of the story, but to sum it up, he finished some work with this Hungarian photographer and the next day he found a huge red, expensive carpet in front of his office or flat. I started to be more interested in the story as couple of minutes earlier I was just about to express how the whole Hungarian filming and industry is just ackward (there are exceptions).
However, this movie production related person was shocked on the approach of the photographer, he took the carpet and drove it back to the photographer and asked him why he gave him this carpet? The camera guy said: well, you know there will be many more shooting jobs available in the upcoming months and I want you to take me into consideration. I almost vomitted on hearing this. He also, I assume and he shared ironically with the other 3 people yet the following: maybe some people are getting SUV’s as for gratefullness and future jobs.
I am sure this movie maker person plays important role in the movie industry as he took out a Boscolo hotel visit card. I am so sorry I did not share couple of words with him on the spot, but who knows Budapest is small and I know many foreign people, maybe we will meet yet.
So Mr. movie maker, FYI in Hungary corruption is everywhere. It is disgusting.
I bet casting agencies are competing among each other for Hollywood movies in the same way, I will share some thoughts later on this yet, but first…
I am sorry for being unpolite today and listening to your conversation, it was a moment when I was thinking about the same things and you just reinforced me about my thoughts about this industry in Hungary. I am so ashamed of my country and myself too.
This brings me to even teasier topics, only to reflect you on our countries and people mechanism.
Can you imagine if you are giving a birth to a baby in a govermental hospital you are expected to pay minimum 100.000 Ft to the doctor into his pocket?
Did you know some doctors are encouraging women having fear of a birth to do Cesarian birth instead of helping them to overcome the fear of natural birth? FYI, the birth price rises if you are getting a baby with Cesarian birth…
Do you know this is a general Hungarian mentality, to PAY FROM GRATEFULLNESS?!
The doctors are opening private offices to make you to pay for the birth. I did pay too. I never saw a receipt about the paid money. Plus you pay the nurses, obstretrician etc. I am not proud of this, but it was about someones life, I would now act different.
My employer never told me: Gabi, here is the part for the taxes to your pocket.
I think this topic is too much complex, I wanna go back to the started topic…
Yes, this is Hungary, I am glad this movie maker brought back that carpet to the camera guy/phhotographer, at least one person acted in a different way and showed an example.
I became indifferent with shooting jobs, even I really enjoyed taking some roles and I was very enthusiastic in the beginning. I am still, but not running anymore for collecting experience for 7000 Ft/12 hours work. I will happily help though a friend to make his own movie for free, if the theme captures my attention.
I want to work and learn from professional people. Once I read somewhere, always work with people that know more then you.
Sometimes the crew or people working at the agency are not even speaking English, however as in many places in the world not always the right people are working in these creative jobs, but they are family members, friends, mistresses, lovers getting opportunities etc…(respect to those family members etc. that are professional in it)
Honestly, I do not feel to act professional sometime either with these agencies, crews as they threat people as slaves in many cases and it makes us to loose motivation.
Last summer I worked with an English dancing group on a commercial shooting, the leader of the dancing school talked to me as I speak English and I am chatty in general. He expressed his unsatisfaction of the production crew he worked with, the unprofessional way they were threated. He was also offended how anyway low paid extras were threated. He looked at the meal they gave for lunch to extras and he was shocked.
And you know what is the reaction of the agencies when you express your concerns?
Yes, we do not.
But, is it really fair to pay this money for a 12 hours work? Actually, I would be fine to have the precentage also if a movie made it to the top, but the well written disclaimers are not allowing 🙂
And sorry, where are the negotiation skills of these people in the agencies, where is the humanity of these agencies to protect these working people to have better working and living circumstances??? And happier life???
And let’s turn it around, the customer should be ALSO ASHAMED for making more million dollars on successfull movies and exploiting people. Paying celebrities more dollars for shooting a scene of a very famous actress smoking a cigarette for 1 hour, while the extras work 12 hours for less then 25 Euro. **If your skin is not white, you get better price 😉
It is such a “good feeling” being discriminated on a job in your own country.
AND AS THE END….
I have a lot to learn yet about acting and actually I do not take it as something I seriously want to, I am fine with these small roles, however these last 2 years I lost my interest more and more. I hope to get it back at some time later as I find this job very interesting, creative and enjoyable. Now I had to take on an office job, but at least it is a job in a company where job enviroment is international, humanous, taxes and contributions will be properly paid. It is not the most well paying, but above the Hungarian average for this position.
**BTW. each time I made a post as this one I know I offended casting agencies, but why are they offended if they are doing things in a proper and professional way?
I have posted on my Facebook page another song we mixed with Tamás, but I wanna share with you also WordPress reader.
Below an electronic mix of two Balkanwide known cover songs: Ederlezi from Time of the Gypsies movie by Goran Bregović, Emir Kusturica
and a song “Djurdjevdan” from a Bosnian band called “Bijelo dugme”.
I would like to share with you also some additional details to these names and titles:
The song Ederlezi reffers to a Spring festival that is celebrating the return of spring, celebrated in general by Romani people in the Balkans, Turkey and elsewhere around the world.
The original song “Ederlezi” is a big favourite song of mine. “Djurdjevdan”: well, there is no Yugoslavian who does not know this song.
Bijelo Dugme means White Button and it was a Yugoslav rock band based in Sarajevo. Goran Bregovic was a guitarist in this band.
The band is one of the most popular bands ever existing in the former Yugoslavia and one of the most influental music band of the Yugoslav rock scene.
Click here and listen our version: