my kid…

Standard

if u have a kid/kids, you know that with them u really can get in a weird situations and they show you the world in a different perspective, IF you allow them…

e.g. they make you sandwich from Dinosaur pasta and handkerchief…and then ask you to eat it…(he is “cooking” sandwich for me)

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I am often critisized by some people how I am raising my kid,  even by my close family and “others”,

my favourite is when I am said I am too protective and Filip will be a lonely, introverted person…I just laugh about it. Do you think Filip is introverted? 😀

I got dumped out from my cousins house last year in Germany because I had different values with raising my kid, but I am not critisizing her, I can understand some pains my cousin has related to her family, she did not had an easy life either, but she has now her own family they have their own life and she is happy. She was making comments about my new job and actually teasing me, that I should rather register Filip for doing modeling jobs. Well, that’s something what Filip will decide on his own.

He likes to be in front of camera, to sing, to dance, to play instruments.

He loves singing on a high chairs and if there is a stage, he will for sure use the opportunity to get onto it and start singing or dancing, untill he is realized by others, some other time he does not get bothered, if somebody is watching him or not.

He makes statements like: Mom, I am a musician.

He is exploring all the instruments and likes to listen to very different kinds of music,

He eats sweets, favourites are the gummy candies and chocolate. Haribo, mamba, maoam, francia drazsé

He can order by himself a KFC B-smart with strips and finishes it in a second,

He likes Cola, and he can survive a day only on fruits,

He does not like pizza, he likes spagetties,

He does not like fresh vegetables, but he likes cream soups with any vegetable and bogyó..he calls it “Bogyósleves” (there are these small pastas like pearls, crispy ones for the soup)

he is using scissors, knives from very early ages,

He started to talk very early, first trials at 9th month,

He started to walk couple of steps alone a day after his 1st b-day,

he walks in the streets without me shouting after him to stop at the corners or not to run through the street,

he stops the cars on the pedestrian crossing, by yelling: stoooooop! And showing with hands :))) ppl laugh about it, but many time they approve and comment, this is how we should do it to :))

he does not like when people have this fake approach, smiling into his face and greeting him with the fake smile…

he curses and he is also polite,

he says thank you or says ‘I am sorry’ if he hurts you…

he always has a new musician “Idol”, lately the “Pálinka” guys 😉

he loves to go for concerts (when he is in the mood, usually always), balette, theather, to draw etc…

He likes to talk in some baby language and he exactly know what he wants and he is very direct.

He likes ice-skating and he is doing it well…

He likes the light show what by Bazilika for the X-mas time, that’s the place he tried the best apple tea ever and “Babacici” is something very funny, but I have no clue what it means…anyways, each time he is pretending to fall he says it, so we just laugh about it…

He understands a lot in English and some Serbian. He talks in English with his toys sometimes, he likes when the songs are tranlsated to him,

Lego cartoon and Rio are fav’s,

His first kiss was straight on the mouth with Malia an African little girl in the childcare he attended for couple of weeks, i think his dad still has the prove via photo 🙂

And the most important, he knows how to.say: NO!

……..

My favourite painting of him (not the only one, hanging in our living room):

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I understood long time ago, in most cases it is not my family that I will turn to for a help. And if possible, I would like to avoid that I have a same relationship with my son.

Well this is the true.  Some of us got this path with our families (I know I am not the only one, I meet lots of people having the same situations) and we have to learn to live with it.

I would lie saying I am not angry about my family, but i am less, then i used to be as I can put myself into their situations and I just accept what is. I do not really want to write about this now, because it would be misunderstood.

There are many good and bad things in my life with them, just as on other fields of my life.

However, I had to let them go at least for a while untill I heal my wounds and become myself,  as I was learned I am never allowed to say my opinion. Of course, I had the choice not to do it too, but then I got punished 😉 or labeled as “depressed” or not normal, because of my “ex-boyfriends, husband, friends etc”, other labels I do not even want to mention. Luckily, all of them are falling away, I have maybe more understanding for them, as I am leting go and I am realizing in the end lots of things happened to me in a way they happened because I also allowed to happen, but U know as a kid u do not have much choice.
This is why i am often afraid if and what pain i am causing to Filip, but i also try to explain myself nobody is perfect and then in certain way understand my parents, but i always rethink my acts, and if i realize or i am told i am wrong in the things i do, i fix it and i am not afraid to say sorry.

I am trying to teach my son to be himself as much as he can, by threathing him like an individual person, a small grown-up (the much as I can be aware),

…sometimes i am struggling with some situations with him, like: he does not want to say hello or good-bye to some of the people we meet, while u know it is expected to say hello to everyone mom or dad knows or who approaches him and he is a kid that attracts people all the time. People listen to his talks and watch him and just comment: he is very wise and very cute, i know :)))
I am often uncertain how should I act in these situations, i would tell him u dont have to talk to them, but often I let him to do how he feels, and of course commenting :(: I think you should have said hello (when i am not sure about it either), specially when the “nice” lady after couple of minute of Filips ignorance starts to label him: as u must be dumb, the cat took your tongue and such stupid things…here i step in saving him from the situation talking instead of him and getting rid of the person (yeah, I know I cannot save him from everything, but I am also teaching him, there are helping hands when it is needed, so it is normal to protect him from this stupid lady who just had a mask of a kind lady at first).
After this story should i teach him to respond kindly to everyone or talk nice to everyone? Do u think we should talk to everyone who stops us in the street? I don’t.

I really had hard times in my life because of this way of raising (not only my parents…),  I was for many years not able to say my opinion as I was learned by parents, teachers, “higher” positioned people, that I have to respect them, because they are older and wiser, because “I am your parent, your boss, doctor, administrator in the immigration office…”) and I played this “good girl”, “immigrant”, “slave employee”, “successfull manager” etc. games. I just read some article this morning, that is in a certain way related to the thoughts, situations i had…i will attach it here:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/4-telling-signs-that-a-relationship-is-toxic/

Coming back to Filip, I still make sometimes “mistakes” by telling him how he should reacted in some situations and trying to convince him that was not the way and then i re-think and sometimes my objections are stupid, so I appologize, because just for an example, I am also not always in a the mood to talk to every person I meet, specially if I feel bad energy of the other person or I just do not feel comfortable with them in the situation. He is btw. my best radar for people, sometimes he surprises me with his analysis about people.

Oh yeah he tells me which guy likes me :)))) and we discuss them!

And I am not saying everyone should be respected, and I also say I do not think everyone should respect me. We are different, we are looking for different people, someone who is my friend, does not mean it will be your friend.

I got Filip with Cesarean birth, as he was a “breech delivery” I am not sure this is the right word…and he was about to come out with legs in front, which is like the most hardest to deliver.

I was soooooo much afraid of having a natural birth, that I think he felt this and I was actually telling him to save me to have the “easiest way for me” and he just set himself for the birth I wanted. Yes, I was afraid so much that I was afraid even to have a natural birth, I thought Cesarean will be easier, as it is quick and less painfull, this is what was told by my surrounding and I was naive and believed.

Girls around me were talking about Cesarean birth like, this is the easiest thing in the world, I am happy that those people are not in my life anymore, but I am also aware in that moment for me it was the only “solution” I could handle. Judge me or not, but have on your mind,  you have no clue what all I had in my life and why I decided to go for it.  I have not had the best supporting surrounding in that moment for sure. But, everything happens with reason and I am glad some time later I realized some things related to this whole birht thing, but even so I think I do not plan to have other kids…but I also add, I never know…

Now, even this is gonna be the uggliest thing in the world, I will say it: deep inside myself I never wanted to have a baby. I got a baby because everyone has a baby, I ticked out everything on my fake life list: “carreer, husband, wealth, flat, manager, company leader (wow and 0uch, how much I do not miss that world), car, company car, travelling, clothing,  I could afford whatever I wanted and then a baby”. I ticked out everything of the list of the society, but not from my own as I was lost. I remember, as a kid I also dreamed having 3 kids, just like my mom. As the years were passing I was just putting it on a side and delaying it with every stupid reason.

And then he came and he changed my world. I am gratefull for him (even sometimes he is really too much,  like now, I cannot finish a sentence, because he is asking questions all the time) 😀

**********

Now it may sounds like I am talking bad and against my parents, Filip and in general against the people who were present in that period of my life. Yes, I do as I got many times hurt, but I allowed to myself these situations, I had the choice always to remove myself and act different, but I was not on that mental/physical level and

No, I am not talking against them, I am just pointing out, how that life was not the life I really wanted. I lived the life that everyone wants/wishes and I never listened to my own wishes which are similar of course, but still different, now i do it in my way, not in their way, i live my dreams and not the dreams of other people.  In the end i can be only gratefull to all of them, as they were present to help me to come to a realization of my real needs and  real wants. If they would not have been part of my life, I would never come to a different views in my life.

And now I also know Filip started this whole process in me and I am gratefull for him for coming into my life.

Coming back to the Cesarean birth in Szent Imre kórház, one thing I know, if someone would now come to me with the idea that Cesarean birth is easy, I would probably just leave the person on the spot.  I am not saying that any of the births are easy and everyone has the choice to do it as they want, because sometimes you are in a situation when u make those choices by your own, because you are in such mental state and you do not have the supportive surrounding, but I am also noting, it was in a first row my choice and noone to blame, not even myself, even this is the hardest for me to accept.

The birth by itself was well weird experience, I am not going into details.

I only remember, when the nurse brought Filip to the room for the first time for nursing he had no troubles with finding where and what to do:))). He was the most squelchy baby in the room, the nurses and other moms and myself were amazed on his “abilities”.

Couple of hours after Filips birth – my belly was stiched?’- the nurses were coming into rooms and made us walk and forced to go to take a shower, I hated them and I still do, just imagine the situation and I think I do not need to describe the feeling and the pain i felt.

The first night after the birth I did not wanted to see Filip, I was exhausted, my body was dead and teared into pieces, I was in a room and just wanted to have my calm pace, nobody to come close to me…and it was about 40 degrees, no air-condition…

for long time I had a such guilt, and even sometimes now I have if I remember what mom I was: I got a birth and I did not wanted to see my child, while this child just got out of me waiting to be protected by his mom, who just ignored him. I start to cry even now, when I am writing about it…poor Filip, he is sitting next to me playing with his instrument, he does not understand why I am crying 🙂

I tell him, I am crying out my guilt, which he will read once here, hopefully and he will hopefully understand me..

My memories about the whole birth, doctor, hospital, nurses,midwifes?! are disaster, they way you are threated, the money you have to pay to be “served”, while you are paying whole your life every kind of insurances,

oh yeah, and by the doctors, there are different “additional rates” for the Cesarean or natural birth etc. Some of the doctors really prefer to have Cesarean (it’s higher ratet,the birth can be planned and he does not have to run in the middle of the night for his job…not mentioning that sometimes most of them are very comfortable not to hurry…of course this is only my experience, I am sure there are out lots of good doctors and nurses and I believe we have to give it a word to those things that bother us, to change the world in right directions, otherwise…nothing changes). Since the birth I have pains in my left side of the cut when when I make certain movements. I had couple of medical checks and for some reason I still feel I should do some further, because when I sneeze I feel a pain as somebody thursted me with a knife.

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My pregnancy was without vomiting, no complications, only my belly was growing like hell and he was a very active baby already even in my belly, I remember the last months I was caressing his head under my chest as I had the feeling he is in a sitting position in my belly, and even I never got really convinced in this by ultrasounds I somehow felt he was like a little king sitting there.

I had really an easy pregnancy, if I remove the stress I had on my working place in that period and in general, in every field of my life.

Oh yeah, he remained very squelchy baby…

NOW,

Filip likes his thumb and if anyone is teasing him about it, if Filip does not react, I do react and shut the mouth of the person…

And yes, I am teaching him (with more or less success) how to stand up for himself and express his thoughts in the situations/places/people etc. he does not feel comfortable or removing him from the situations, places, people if needed…depending on the situation and teaching him to go to places he likes, by showing him new things whether by myself of through my friends.

Filip did not give me a permission to post his photos, but I had toooooo, sorry Filip 🙂

Lot’s of time in the street people think he is a girl, and when Filip gets offended and states:  I am a boy, then the person turns to me and asks me is he really a boy? I mean, common, are people really so stupid, why people think kids are not aware of themselves, are they aware that kids are the most honest beings? And I do not like when he is present with me and instead of asking questions directly to him, ppl turn with the questions with me, like he is not present. Hellooooouuuuu, he is 3,5 and kid, but he talks and he is able to reply on his own. Please respect kids. And another favourite question: why Filip has a long hair…like only girls are allowed to have long hairs…and like girls cannot have short hairs (kh kh)

**** and now let me post something that people really get offended about it, Filip painting his nails…hahahhah…

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There is this one life, let them try out everything possible…I do not think this has any impact on him…

Kids are just exploring and copying, learning from us…

And as last I wish I found this article at my age of 18….when i arrived on 21th of September 1996 via train to Budapest alone:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/i-will-never-be-a-well-behaved-woman/

 

 

 

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