singing heals soul

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I was really not in a mood to write for couple of days and actually I was cut off from Internet of Phone services or my phone just went flat very quickly, I do use my phone a lot for uploads, but I realized if I want to upload a video which is long and I have no Wi-fi access, seems like my phone gets very quickly flat, probably by searching for a network, but actually I do not get why it doesn’t use then my regular package for telecommunication services where I have some internet credits too, though it is possible that it cannot handle a videos longer then 20 sec, as I have the very basic package, or I just used all my credits? I do not know, but it’s not important actually, as I can do it from home through wi-fi (now it works okay).

Today was amazing day again.

A recent met friend invited me for a free of charge singing classes, with this I met new 2 person in my life and I went to the place with 2 recently met friend in my life. Actually, the people I was with today were more then that and while walking back home from Corvin square where I said good-bye to my friends and told them I wanna walk home with my feelings and thoughts (Jeff Foster, u are using these 3 words all the time, btw u are my unknown friend too).

While I was walking I was facing the universe.

I saw how my mind is labeling the people in the street,  this one could be a Swedish person, this one a Chinese, this one could be  Turkish, this one could be Spanish…I just let  my thoughts flow.  Sometimes I have the feeling I recognise in the people their previous lives or just simply I see in them all the nations, this can be some of their facial, behavioural, emotional, the way of dressing, characteristics reminds me to some other nations even they have their FACE that labels them to belong to one nation. It’s like I have insight in their soul.

I feel so weird for saying these  things and actually I would love to see some of the peoples facial expressions reading this and maybe even thinking I am high  or drunk, or just simply crazy, but on the other hand I do not mind that much about that,  because this is what I feel in any person I meet for the first time.

Quite often I meet someone I ask them about their nationality based on the first impression, sometimes I miss it, but mostly i don’t.

I asked him also, are you Turkish? He replied, no, I am Italian, but later adding actually both parents Brazilians. So, I missed it. That’s good, because I thought I know him, but i did not.

Or the Turkish guy yesterday in Ötkert, he looked like Arabian, but had an accent of a Turkish person, however I concluded he is Turkish.

Or the Serbians  in Viking yesterday after we finished the photoshooting, girls do you remember?

Inés, what did you comment on me there? Something like, dont worry she is doing this all the time, and u added something negative about me :)) I laughed on you, because, I really approach people with this question often. I find it funny to shock people.

Okay, so we arrived to the singing class and a kinda grey-long haired guy in a tale greated us.

When I first met him, I felt nothing, except that he was talking Hungarian. I realized this only now.

As we started to listen to those child songs,  he let out his voice and musicality I got goose bumps.

Each song reminded me on one of the important stages of my life, and actually couple of minutes ago all the song  got cristalized in front of me. While we were singing those kids songs.

At the first song I cried,

It reminded me on being a baby, coming to the world, my fear of being rejected by parents. Sorry, mom and dad, I felt rejected whole my life by you. And I feel rejected still by my whole family. But, it is okay. I cannot judge you at all. You all feel/you felt the same, I know. And I am so afraid that my son does not feel rejected by me and his father each day, because we are separated and different. While I know this was the best decision, we got new chances in our lives and I hope we are raising the greatest kid ever.

It reminded me how I was afraid to give a natural birth to my son, I was rejecting him too.

It reminded me on my mom. It reminded me on my roots. Mom, do we have some Gipsy blood in our family? Grandma’s surname is Berta. Mom, it reminded me on your dream country America. I think we have ancient Indian blood.

The song is about an Indian girl, somehow my mind just correlated to the rejected Indians in America or the Gipsys in Hungary and sometimes in Serbia too.

My moms name is Iren, analysing her name, it comes from Greek and means “Peace” I never had.

The second song reminded me on my family, whether it was about my parents or my first husband. I do not want to express anything, just listen to the lyrics of the song once I get the permission from the teacher, I must share these with my people. It reminded me on Serbia and Hungary. On the acceptance and the rejection I felt in both country being labeled as Hungarian or Serbian. It reminded me on my father, I wanted to fulfill his dreams. I became director and well payed manager, something he always regreted he could not achieve, he was regreting he had no chance to finish a better school, but he was always attached to the place he was born, afraid of changing safety for an insecure place. I can rememeber another person in my life about this.

I was afraid of his rejection, I was afraid of my ex-husbands rejection I wanted to prove them I can do it instead of them. I was afraid if I do not achieve those things I will be rejected. I got rejected anyways. And I will be rejected yet many times. Both of them are stubborn and I recognise these in me too.

My fathers name is Josef and ex-husband  both focused on wealth and increase.

My future teacher, I am crying again, thank you for letting me to open my soul and you friends who accepted me crying there. I cry out now alone all those things I was still not ready to do there, sometimes it is okay to stay alone with your pain.

The third song, brought me a silence. In the past months I felt I met the one. I felt I met myself. I felt I met the right place to live.

Everything was/is here where I am.

I felt I found the right one in Nicolas, but he could not believe I am standing in front of him, just as I could not believe he is standing in front of me. Even I lost him I feel peace and I feel him very often and I feel we will meet again.

His name means people’s Victory. My Victory.

It reminded me that I can find jobs from here to work abroad too. It reminded me that there are no limits. It reminded be to be even more open on every nation, every location, every people in the world, every job, every song….

This is why I am trying out new places, new concerts, “consuming” new guys, finding new friends,  keeping the right ones, I am breaking my limits, but being honest to my needs and I am experimenting with life. I am trying out new things and I am picking from everything those things that suit me the most, not limiting to a single religion, language, country, culture, race, cooking recipes, guys, sexual preferences, arts…but still within my limits 😉

The fourth song I think is in a first row about you. You opened in me the Universe, I am afraid to note this down, because I might seem foolish??

Today, you reminded me on joy and happiness, on my friends, my present, to my life with all the people that are in my life, whether it’s my life, career, relationship with all the goods and bads, like my Yin Yang piercing :D.

Your name means defender of the man. You showed me I do not have to defend from man anymore.

I am the whole Universe through everything I experience, I cannot differentiate anything by country, language, race, skin color, hair color, profession…It’s the song of my life flow, just letting off everything and and going with the flow, whatever it bring, good or bad, I need to grow yet on every field of my life. While walking home I was observing and memorising all the things I experienced.

The fifth song,  friend who came into my life on NYE, it reminded me on my French – Arabian friend Inés (even the culturally you are present in the song, Inés I will shoot myself, what is gonna be the next surprise and coincidence u will give me?) , who is present now in my present. I never met a friend like you before! Whatever happens you will be always another piece of my heart and life.

Name of Inés means “pure” and “holly”.  You are reflecting me onto it.

It reminded me on all of you who are among my friend what ever experience I have with you, because nothing is coinsidence.

And it reminded me to be my own friend with showing and sharing all the feelings and thoughts and not to judge myself because of being myself.

Salute and have a great time in Eger!

the 6th song at the teachers place made me cry again. It reminded me on my son.

Filips name means: lover of horses. In Chinese Horoscope thats my sign. Filips sign is rabbit.

It reminded me to stay a child in this world, to be accepting like Filip accepts me with all my stupidities and with all the good and bad experiences he will experience in this world with us with everything.

I am missing the 7th…i think there is a 7th song too…

btw Black and white yin-yang symbol in my symbol in Feng shui, u remember for the weekend i was struggling to put it in my nose…

****************************************************

As I was walking home from Corvin square not having my BKV ticket with 0 Forints in my pocket I was thinking about the whole day experiences,

TODAY….

I laughed, I cried,

I was sad, I was happy,

I was suspicios and trustfull,

I talked to myself, I was calm,

I behaved bad, I behaved good,

I was hugged and I was hugging my own pain,

I thought I could never sing Indian “song”, I  realized I can,

I felt being accepted, I felt being rejected,

I felt being Serbo-Hungarian 🙂 and I felt being everything else,

I cried from sadness and I cried from happiness,

I felt being confused and I felt being clear with things,

I felt being a kid, and I felt I do not wanna feel being a grown-up,

I felt to be a mom, and I felt being a kid,

I felt being a wife and I divorced,

I felt being a party animal, and I felt being a person sitting at home relaxing and writing its blog,

I felt being showing an example and I felt being bad example,

I felt being lazy and carring,

I felt being stressed and relaxed,

I felt having a pain because of having a heavy life and I felt being lucky to enjoy the ease of life,

I felt being bad listener and I felt being a  good listener,

I felt being rule breaker and I felt being a rule follower,

I felt being determined to walk home by foot and I felt being lazy so I took the easier way risking to be punished for not having even a BKV ticket,

I felt being loved by my family and not loved and so on…….

but TEACHER, nobody ever told me so clearly that I am special, blessed, sensitive and I promise with the first occasion I will come for your classes, now this is one of my biggest goal, to come to your singing classes!

Silence is sometimes better, then any marketing activity.

You are all special too!

And tomorrow I will listen to these songs with my son. He will be so much into it, the best combination.

Cartoons with lyrics and songs, we can practise together till we meet, probably in 3. He is special too!

And I will break one more time my promise.

I will send this post via Facebook message to all of my friends, acquitances, relatives, family members, collegues, ex-collegues etc….

I am appologizing in advance if I was disturbing you with my mail. I wanted to share this with all of you.

The title is empty as I do not know what title could I add to this.

I leave it on WordPress to add whatever it will add….

oh and now as someone who did a good job I will  light a cigarette and drink my coffee and Inés, I made an Earl grey tea for myself too (i have to say it will wait for you here to drink it :))))

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