something deep inside of me does not allow me to give in…
I posted all over my social network and really looked for him, the last day after the singing session with János something happened to me,
I spent more hours in the night by looking for different signs via my social networks to find him, in the end I came to a conclusion who are those 8 people like the sides of the pyramide that are currently my greatest helper on this spiritual path called life. One of them still did not fit in fully in the picture, but the night I spent calculating and looking for different sides, i just followed my intuition, clicking on the posts that were just opening in front of me, and my confusion was even bigger and bigger, but I was getting so clear signs were getting more clear and clear that missing friend is the last person in the chain who will help me to find Nicolas, Nicola, Nicolau, who the hell knows how he spells his name.
While I was looking for Nicola I was so many time in doubts about the things he said, but I know he lied me few things , because he wanted me to like him. I think he is an internship student in Genova or Geneva, Budapest…well who the f… cares anymore.
As conclusion from this I realized, what I learned from him, if I want someone for a friend=boyfriend=man in my life I am not questioning anymore if he is lying to me or not.
I have to trust that every single word he told me it was true, I cannot tolerate that someone lies me just to be liked, just as I cannot be tolerated for the same, as it would mean again playing some games and not being honest with ourselves, with the “friend” and those relationships are not taking us anywhere, we get trapped in our past behaviours. We meet people to grow in recognising ourself. My self.
Today I said to myself I cannot “not trust” him, because it would mean I did not grow in this relationship/situation. If he lied, yes, I can be hurt, but at least I know I approached him as all of my friends and I can reassure him there was no need to lie, I just liked him the way he was. I wanna tell him I do not question anymore the things my friends tell me, so I do not wanna question the things boyfriends, one night stand people, collegues, ex-collegues, street cleaner, DJ, singer, mom, dad, brother, sister, cousin, girlfriend, etc say. I trust that they are trusting me too.
I stated many times I stopped searching for him, but it is to stressfull not to do it, and it is stressfull not to miss great friendships in the meantime.
I decided today to let go, but also not to let go.
Each time I will remember him I will write about this guy and look for him till I find him, because even he is maybe not the right, I want to talk to him about this.
And I want to find that one person who gave me the feelings he gave me. I will cry him out and hopefully again a piece of my heart and soul will open up. This song is the one that couple of days Filip made cry and now I am crying out and letting go, for some time…and hope to see u once again, till then lets gain as much as experience and come back to each other when we are ready, if it’s ment…
You have no clue what a great therapy is singing, when u have the greatest master for it.
Till then please feel free to join my public friends community on Facebook, follow my latest photoshooting, shooting jobs, singing, Samba performance soon etc…..and PLEASED TO MEET YOU IN THE GROUP!
I will post here the idea of the community:
USE THE SEARCH BAR ABOVE FOR FINDING WHAT YOU NEED!
Post your link,profile, photo, concert, need event via link as a comment under my first post about you, so it stays always under your name. Or if u have better idea share with me, this way everything related to you will be in one place, but of course interraction with ppl can happen wherever.
You have been part of my life.
Feel free to join or leave.
I trust YOU and I trust YOU that YOU WILL ALSO INVITE to this group those friends YOU trust them too to be part of this community.No rule about the posts or anything.
Respect your fellows, think about your post and who YOU really trust before adding here.
We are a community bringing together people in our lovely city Budapest.
We will post here concerts, free jammings, events, photoshooting events, parties in Budapest.
We are Yin-Yang, good and bad.
Stock photo models, Catwalk models,
We are plus sized, we are skinny,
We are happy, we are sad,
We cry, we laugh,
We are black and white,
We are old and young
Business man and business woman
Politicians or the people.
Couchsurfers, fancy hotel liking people,
Add whatever you feel like adding to this list.And let’s see what can we create together?!
Maybe some jamming outdoors, indoors, dinners organising, offer your empty flat, studio, post your concert, shout for a help with languages,find models, band, singer, photographer, offer a place in your car when travelling, street jamming abroad, place/couch to stay in Budapest or abroad. U never know what the other person knows. We are from all over the world.