Monthly Archives: November 2015

mental support needed…

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Zar bi mogla ti drugog voljeti….it’s just a Bosnian song that came to my mind…

I have a pain in my chest, my body is trying to give me some signs I cannot recognize or I am ignoring…

I assume it is the confusion about the big questions in life, about myself, about my wishes, longings.

I was neglecting my souls wish for too long, now it is beating me harder then ever. It’s more and more getting crystalized what my innerself is trying to tell me, while my mind is blocking me and shouting at me, you are irresponsible again, how’d you think you will survive the upcoming period, how will you pay off your rental fee, like there is no option to look at the things from another perspective. How about this, what if I get that modeling job in Moscow? What if I do not get it now, but I will get another opportunity in the upcoming weeks? What if I apply for a singing contest and I win it? Oh reader, do not get bothered, I hear my mind also telling me ironically: “common, for sure you will win any contest”.

What if I just listen to myself once, for real and whatever happens?

I hear from all sites, artistic life is hard and not easy to survive, I start to believe, while I could also reply to myself and them: “hey, you think it is easy to survive in the business world, good job just lands in your lap? (of course there are exceptions) Nothing is easy, if there is no target or focus to do it. And now you see, I know all these things in theory and I am sure I can do it, but I will need a lot to network, learn, read yet…and I am afraid, honestly.

In the upcoming weeks I will have to learn lots of lyrics and try to get in contact with musicians, bands to sing.

People, invite me for concerts, jammings, please make me to sing, I have to overcome my fear from doing it.

 

 

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Healing my soul…

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well, I do not know even where and how to start….

maybe with the fact that I have lots of tragical and traumatic stories in my family…but then I’ll skip on telling you about my experience from yesterday, that is related to overcome these traumas…

Couple of days ago I assigned myself for a workshop Intenzív csoportos blokkoldó kezelés (Intensive therapy for releasing blocks) in MagNet Közösségi ház on Andrássy by Kitty Vajay.

I just quickly read through the details of the workshop and decided to attend it. I did not dig into the details of the event, however some parts like technics for releasing traumas, blocks, they caught my attention and actually I decided to go for it and finally confirmed my attendance when Kitty dropped me a line if I am really going, since she needed the confirmation about the number of the people in the group.

The spirit of the group was nice, I felt comfortable with the girls/women (I advice men to attend these kind of events, not because only women attend it, but because of yourself and self-development).

The therapy is actually a guided-meditation with Kitty as a facilitator, the session is 2 hours long with short discussion in the beginning.

I went there without expectations and I had the feeling I left with a face as I had a facelift, not from botox, but from crying (we called it natural facelift and laughed about it).

While we were doing the meditation I had very strange experiences, in some moments I felt like my body was grounded by some magnet, it was pulling me down to the earth. I had this feeling many times during the session. In the other moment, I felt filled with love, lots of hearts floating in the air and connections with random people and mostly with my family members.

My first vision was, my mom shaking me in anger, as I am a baby. I forgave her. I cried intensely, somehow I was able to put myself into her situation, I imagined how hard it’s to be a mom with 17, with that young age…but also at any age.

Later I was an embryo in the Universe (please do not judge me, I was just letting my thoughts and believe me, it was for me also weird). I had moments when my mom and dad hugged as I was a baby. It was a moment when I cried a lot, I felt like this was the first time I got fully connected with them and I was covered with their hugs, love and felt safe.

Kitty was randomly and intuitively pressing points on our bodies during the session, at some places it hurted me like hell and I had such a strong breathing outs.

During the whole session I had problems with breathing, I could hardly follow the breathing instructions Kitty was giving us. At some point I had to release my efforts to do it right and tried to be focused on her breathing instructions only in the moments when I was ready.

I recall Kitty pressed a point on my left thight, it activated in me some thoughts about my grandfather, he had troubles with his knees, he became very early paralyzed from hips to his legs, the weird thing about this is, that these days I also had some problems with my left knee while I was dancing.  I might find a doctor to check on it.

As far as I recall I was the favourite granddaughter to him, he always cried when we visited him. Before he died I haven’t see him for long and I am still trying to forgive myself, because on his dying bed he said to my mom he dreamed of me. He was calling me in his dreams, but I have not responded back.

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In the next moment, I had moments of connection with a person who died recently and I actually did not know him well. I did not know him at all I did some photoshooting with him some time ago, but I met him in a very passionate artist and nice person. I did not understand why he came into my “visions”. I tried to push him away, because I did not feel it right to be part of my journey, but then I realized, for some reason I should have leave him to be part of this process.

For quite long I saw only his smiling face and then of of his eyes dissapeared, while on the other eye he had this rotating hypnosis kinda circles. For some reason I thought of him like he is a clown, it was bothering me that he tried to have a strong eye contact, I could not oppose him so I let him to express himself. I let it go and hearts started to show up, many small hearts floating in the air. After a while his wife appeared with a sad turned down head. I was with between them, seemingly I was the connection for them to communicate to each other. I realized I was trying to lead my thoughts. I released again couple of strong breaths to focus and the two of them started to fill me up with these hearts, I started to cry again. It was a moment when I came to a conclusion I am giving away to much of my love and I am not keeping much for myself. The two of them confirmed. She dissapeared, my crying stopped, her husband remained with the same silly face staring at me, he wanted to make me laugh and I started to laugh. He was smiling and telling me with his eyes, Gabi, this is what I wanted to achieve.

Thoughts were telling me I have to get in contact with his wife in the upcoming periods,I will wait some period, she is in a hard times now and we do not know each other so well even we used to live in the same dormitory long time ago when I arrived to Budapest, we even carry the same name and we are from the same country. In my vision they were the perfection of love.

While I had this connection with the two of them I got filled up with love and some lights started floating out of my hands, I even got connected via these light with some crying lady in the therapy room. I did not share this with the group at the end group discussion, I forgot it :(…maybe I should have done it, because maybe it was not by a chance that I connected with that person in the room.

Some of the girls had only emotions coming up or body feelings, but no visions during the session.

At some point I was full of love and spreading the hearts around the people in the room, then in the whole place and then the whole Universe.

I remembered Filip, I released my thoughts of being not the best mom in every situation.

Suddenly my dad showed up, he hugged me and I cried with him for his loss. I never met my grandpa.

Kitty, while I am writing my blog, I am crying again, I try to hide my tears in front of my collegues, but I am letting the process to move on (more or less).

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In a moment a face of a very unpleasant person in my family showed up in my vision, he was serious and I was shouting at him (not loud :)) but, inside of myself very heavily) I shouted to get away from the family, he made enough bad things to all of us. I was shouting at him very much, I was shouting at him for putting my aunty in a state of getting alcoholic, for raping his stepdaughter, for being the bad energy in our family. I wanted him to die, but then my counciousness told me, Gabi you would never wanted to wish to anyone to die, I was ashamed of wishing his death and then he just disappeared…I still do not know where to put this in context.

Suddenly his  daughter appeared in my vision, I do not recall why, she was just there and smiling at me, but I felt positive energies from her. I am not really in a contact with her in real life, because she did many troubles to me and my sister.

We had at the end a group discussion about our experiences. I need to say this was for the first time I experienced something like this, it was also the first guided meditation I ever did. I always thought I cannot visualize things for meditation, but actually I did not have to visualize anything, I just had to release my thoughts, follow the instructions when I was ready and let myself to the whole process with all the emotions.

I allowed myself to be myself. I relived many emotions, sadness, crying, laughing.

At the end of the therapy the song from Enigma started to play:

‘Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way

Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.”

There I made a decision about my wish, dreams to make them come true. I do not know yet how, but I am more determined then ever.

I wanna do musics, modeling and acting and I’ll find the ways to achieve sooner or later.

S… it’s hard to note down this, I hear the echo voices telling me you will fail, you are still not determined to do it,  I hear the voices of different people saying, “but you need to have a secure job, you cannot live out of that”. My inner voice says: I know this is NOT TRUE. You can fail, but if you do not try it will be a bigger failure.

…I am compiling my thoughts and decide to LEAVE THE ACTION FOR THE NEXT WEEK, I’ll still have to think through once before I really move on…

*******The therapy is available only in Hungarian as far as I know.

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Love related

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Let me start with this. THIS WAS NOT A FULL CLICK this guy.

First, I need to write these things out of myself.

Yesterday night I was going home from an Open Mic I’ve attended in Mika Tivadar (not as performer yet unfortunately) and felt so lonely.

Sometimes when I felt lonely I used to call him and it was so hard not to press that “send” button yesterday on my phone.

I wrote and deleted the message to you 3 times. I never wanted you to be only part of my life when I was lonely. I wanted you to be next to me when I am happy, lonely, in tears…but, you were never there in those moments.

You wanted your freedom, you stated you are not ready for a relationship, I accepted, because I was longing to be loved. Who isn’t. I spent many years in a relationship without feeling loved and being accepted just as I am.

Life challenged me again, I did not learn some lesson. A lesson how to respect myself and love myself first when I am in a relationship. I still don’t know how to do it though, I failed again. I wanted to give myself fully and accept your crazy and weird way of thinking, but I realized it’s just not right for me, we have different values and views on things.

You used to be next to me when you had time. I wanted you to be present in my life.

You used to bomb me with messages: “I would like to see you”. I wanted to see you too.

“I am so down, I need you”. I ran to you.

Stay with me. I need to go home, because I live with her. (Gabi, shoot yourself!)

I told you I am so down. I will try to see you tomorrow, okay? NO…it’s not. I needed you there, on the spot, in that moment.

“I am sick, I need medicaments, can you help, please come”. I know it was just an excuse to see me, because I started avoiding you and you felt you are loosing me, but I went to you, because I cared for you as a friend too and I knew you will feel better. I wanted you to be happy. I know I was giving you good feelings.

“I miss you”. I missed you too, but I wanted more.

You sent me songs. I wanted to listen to that music with you.

I wanna see you. “I want to see you too, but I am so busy with my work and my ex, my life is so complicated, please be patient” empty words and weeks passing. After a week or two you called me, are you free to meet? I smiled, I am mom, I am working, I am arranging my documents,  finding new flat, arranging moving, new internet connection, looking for new job,  I am singing, I am taking Samba classes, I am going for castings, going for workshops for improving myself, I am doing shootings, I am meeting my friends, I am going for concerts, I am cleaning, I am cooking, volunteering, organizing programmes for my kid, trip to Serbia, etc…And I am meeting you when YOU have time. Seems like I am busy too, but i find time for important people in my life. I did care, till i got tired.

Yes, I became upset and i started avoiding you. I had no enough energy to stop with you at once. I was convincing myself it suits me, because I am busy too, but everytime you left I felt emptiness. You came back begging to see me and I let you in again, untill that one day.

That last night when we met  I gave you a good-bye kiss, but I had no energy to explain this.

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You do not hate me, just as I do not hate you after all that you said and done.

You are suffering just like me, but my suffering is serving me now to understand what I should not allow next time.

I hope to be strong enough to avoid close contacts with you. I really liked you. I liked your charm and beautifull words, songs, hugs, whispering, singing, they way you played violin, the spent moments together, your enthusiasm about your arts, your childish smile while laying next to me and telling me your funny stories, the language you spoke…

however…

well, take the same circles,

enjoy your freedom,

learn to respect a person you are with,

learn to find time for people that matter to you even when you are “busy”, life will pass and you will stay old and alone with your brilliant arts you create and noone to share with, but maybe this is what you need?!

learn to come out from your comfort zone, common, learn how to find a flat by your own and stand on your feets and not to be dependant on a women, sex etc…

I am a foreigner is not an excuse, it’s not easy...Dear, I was foreigner in this country too, I am still, but I love it and…you can always learn the language…just make an effort…if you care at all,

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: learn that there are other life views and opinions too.

Your conviction is not my conviction. You are not me and I am not you.

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I rather stay for another while lonely.

This post is not even the piece of all the things that are burning in me…

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Mr. Coelho well said, again

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You can like him or not, I like this writer.

I read “Adultery” this summer and as other books of Paulo Coelho it left on me nice impressions.

This quote is very much resonating with me and this is what I feel now true for myself, even I am afraid of scars and opening up fully I decide to risk.

I also made a decision not to allow anymore to another person to convince me in the opposite of my convictions and forcing me to think in his way.

I believe in big love and I know I need experiencing in love even it will hurt like hell, but I will find that one gem.

I’ll fail for sure, maybe once, maybe twice, but maybe seeking the whole life and finding that person with 98 :))  YES, I am a optimistic, a challenger and a big romantic!

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