Let me start with this. THIS WAS NOT A FULL CLICK this guy.
First, I need to write these things out of myself.
Yesterday night I was going home from an Open Mic I’ve attended in Mika Tivadar (not as performer yet unfortunately) and felt so lonely.
Sometimes when I felt lonely I used to call him and it was so hard not to press that “send” button yesterday on my phone.
I wrote and deleted the message to you 3 times. I never wanted you to be only part of my life when I was lonely. I wanted you to be next to me when I am happy, lonely, in tears…but, you were never there in those moments.
You wanted your freedom, you stated you are not ready for a relationship, I accepted, because I was longing to be loved. Who isn’t. I spent many years in a relationship without feeling loved and being accepted just as I am.
Life challenged me again, I did not learn some lesson. A lesson how to respect myself and love myself first when I am in a relationship. I still don’t know how to do it though, I failed again. I wanted to give myself fully and accept your crazy and weird way of thinking, but I realized it’s just not right for me, we have different values and views on things.
You used to be next to me when you had time. I wanted you to be present in my life.
You used to bomb me with messages: “I would like to see you”. I wanted to see you too.
“I am so down, I need you”. I ran to you.
Stay with me. I need to go home, because I live with her. (Gabi, shoot yourself!)
I told you I am so down. I will try to see you tomorrow, okay? NO…it’s not. I needed you there, on the spot, in that moment.
“I am sick, I need medicaments, can you help, please come”. I know it was just an excuse to see me, because I started avoiding you and you felt you are loosing me, but I went to you, because I cared for you as a friend too and I knew you will feel better. I wanted you to be happy. I know I was giving you good feelings.
“I miss you”. I missed you too, but I wanted more.
You sent me songs. I wanted to listen to that music with you.
I wanna see you. “I want to see you too, but I am so busy with my work and my ex, my life is so complicated, please be patient” empty words and weeks passing. After a week or two you called me, are you free to meet? I smiled, I am mom, I am working, I am arranging my documents, finding new flat, arranging moving, new internet connection, looking for new job, I am singing, I am taking Samba classes, I am going for castings, going for workshops for improving myself, I am doing shootings, I am meeting my friends, I am going for concerts, I am cleaning, I am cooking, volunteering, organizing programmes for my kid, trip to Serbia, etc…And I am meeting you when YOU have time. Seems like I am busy too, but i find time for important people in my life. I did care, till i got tired.
Yes, I became upset and i started avoiding you. I had no enough energy to stop with you at once. I was convincing myself it suits me, because I am busy too, but everytime you left I felt emptiness. You came back begging to see me and I let you in again, untill that one day.
That last night when we met I gave you a good-bye kiss, but I had no energy to explain this.
You do not hate me, just as I do not hate you after all that you said and done.
You are suffering just like me, but my suffering is serving me now to understand what I should not allow next time.
I hope to be strong enough to avoid close contacts with you. I really liked you. I liked your charm and beautifull words, songs, hugs, whispering, singing, they way you played violin, the spent moments together, your enthusiasm about your arts, your childish smile while laying next to me and telling me your funny stories, the language you spoke…
well, take the same circles,
enjoy your freedom,
learn to respect a person you are with,
learn to find time for people that matter to you even when you are “busy”, life will pass and you will stay old and alone with your brilliant arts you create and noone to share with, but maybe this is what you need?!
learn to come out from your comfort zone, common, learn how to find a flat by your own and stand on your feets and not to be dependant on a women, sex etc…
I am a foreigner is not an excuse, it’s not easy...Dear, I was foreigner in this country too, I am still, but I love it and…you can always learn the language…just make an effort…if you care at all,
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: learn that there are other life views and opinions too.
Your conviction is not my conviction. You are not me and I am not you.
I rather stay for another while lonely.
This post is not even the piece of all the things that are burning in me…