She does not recall having such feelings long time ago, her body is very alive…

There was once a person she met on a party of a friend. They clicked, she was lonely, she got into a one-night stand, couple of hours later in the room she realized there is a women living with him, glazing on the clothing in the room, first she thought he lives with an old lady for housing purpose (ouch, that was a strange thought, but not far from the true) …he brought her a coffee to wake-up and  after two hours of sleeping sent her to the street, she was walking home confused. That was the FIRST SIGN – First wound.

They kept meeting he kept calling her from time to time, she was interested in him, but very quickly realized it’s not what she wanted (2ND SIGN-2nd wound), but the moments she could grab with him made her at least for a short to feel loved. He had a relationship, they lived together. 3RD SIGN -3r wound. He was telling her stories about his free relationships,  soon she realized the two of them are not the only person in his life. 4TH SIGN-4th wound. She was not sure what she wanted from him, but certainly not to be one of them, still she kept meeting him, because she liked him, because she did not feel close for long time with someone. She was hungry for love.  He was strange and sometimes really nice.

He used to call her, when he had time for her.  He used to visit her and leave in the middle of the night to get back to his girlfriend. 5TH  SIGN-LONG TERM WOUNDS.

By the time she started to feel the distance and the broken trust, she started to reject him, to avoid him, but she was not strong enough to be consistent, she wanted his love and to be understood. 6TH SIGN.

She wanted more, he just wanted her to be there when he needs her.

He was busy, his life was complicated – he was saying all the time.

Ignoring how her life was busy and complicated.

His problems were always priority.

She ran to him when he was ill, even she knew it was just an excuse to see her, because she decided to leave him for final.

They broke up, he kept living with his ex, telling the other girl they have nothing together.

He took her to his trips, she got couple of coffees and couple of dinners?

He was not even the best lover, but she did not mind, she loved to be close to him, untill she started to feel for him and understood she will always be just a 2nd, 3rd…option.

He never introduced her to his friends, he stated they had no relationship, why should he.

He took the ex for his trips, she was helping him in his work a lot. He was tied to her. She had understanding for this work relationship.

He was visiting the ex’s family with her like nothing happened.

and they kept secret about their broken relationship in front of friends.

He was attacking the other girl she is seeing other guys, while he was telling her stories about his adventures.

He told her he was phantasizing about her while being with other women. She stopped counting all these signs and closed her heart.

He called her in the middle of the night, how he misses her and wants to see her.

He told her he dreamed to have a short haired blond women  when he was younger. He showed his poetry about it.

He introduced her nice music genres.

He was charming her when they were together (she could not relax and enjoy, because there was always that thought about being 2nd, 3rd, …she was trying so hard)

They met mostly randomly, by a chance in bars while she was with friends, in those moments he expected to spend the night together and he was being angry with her if she did not.

He told her she is crazy and sick for doing drama about all these things.

He told her he hates her because she in the end kissed a guy in front of him.

Later he told her he hates her because she slept with the other guy, he told her she could have make better choice, and as a last punch – why she did not invite him to threesome.


She started rejecting him, finding new people to feel good with and trying to forget him and reduce the time they spend together.

She kissed by a chance a guy in front of him – later she though, maybe this was the only way he will leave her, as she was not capable to do it. Later she felt bad about it because of herself and because she hates hurting people, but she could not control. She said sorry to him.

She tried to setup meetings with him, he was never able to meet her when she was free, so she started to give up. As he never met her when she asked, the next day he called her to meet and if she could not, later he would attack her, how he tried to meet her, but she was blocking him. She just had no time in those moments. She also had obligations.

He never understood she also had schedule and life, she did not wanted to be anymore dependant on his time and needs.

She tried to step out.

Finally, she went for a coffee with a friend, he appeared, looked at her and asked: so you exchanged me for him? Nice of you. She felt bad for bringing a friend into this situation. She got hurt again, because he thought of her in that way.

He could think only in a way he thinks, not being able to let go his stories about her.

He cannot imagine having a man for a friend. He never was her real friend.

He did not know anything about her and her life.

She told him to leave as she did not wanted to argue and could not face him. She gave up talking to him, because he never listened to her words. Only he wanted to be listened and understood.

Finally, he wrote her the next morning he met a girl that was shocked about the behaviour of this women he had difficulties with and she was very understanding and had deep talks. He slept with her and proudly shared his happiness with the “non-status” girl.


She knows deep inside he is a good man and he is emotional.

He must had been hurt a lot.

She was hurt a lot too.

They were both hurt, they did not know how to give, accept and share love.

She does not hate him, but she is very sad he never understood her and trusted her when she said he was the only person in her life, after all.

She even after all believed he just lived with his ex and nothing more happened. She believed they have deep  relationship. She helped him a lot.

She tried to trust him. She tried, because she decided each time they fought to try to trust his words.

She was hurt in the past a lot, she had to cure her wounds first, with him it was not possible.


Time and music will heal her/his soul.


***p.s. look at the signs and discuss…or leave…

If there is no understanding for your needs, the best is to leave immediately…it is hard, yes. But, it will hurt less.

Do not allow to be manipulated and if you also start manipulating, stop it or leave.

Do not give up to learn to trust people even after “wrong” experiences.

Do not assume about the other person because of a bad experience in the past (it is the hardest she knows)

or just…

Open a new tab and press restart and drink a coffee in Massolit (+arrange your internet subscribtion for your flat via messenger  with a really helpful friend) ***thank you András 🙂 :*


3 responses »

  1. Gabi,

    I feel so bad for you after reading all your post. I found it on Facebook, I wanted to read it and… 😥
    You know, sometimes we just meet people who are not made for us just to let us know that, yeah, you can have him/her, but look what it’ll be. It cannot be good to yourself.
    What I understand is that he’s really selfish, thinks he is the most important and that people cannot suffering as much as he does in every way of life. As he certainly knows, he expercienced so much thinks that he sincerely thinks that people cannot understand him… False. We are 7,000,000,000 humans on earth, who cannot be understood ? Who really is the only one to live that ?

    If at this age, someone cannot understand that, you cannot do more for him and take this energy you “paid” to help him and take it for yourself Gabi, you deserve it more that anyone else.

    Take care, I send you so much love from France


    • Actually its so good that you replied, because i got lost in being in the role he wanted me to be. Mistress in need 😉 he was selfish and egoist, and bad listener when it was about my emotions, needs, problems. Specially in the moments when he did not get what he wanted, it was a huge drama, while he was the one who didnt wanted to commit and was attacking me for the same. I clearly stated we have different needs on the relationship, he could accept this and i could not resist him (and i really wanted to give it a try, untill i got tired of it and sick of the whole behaviour. I kinda rejected to be angry at him as i felt sometimes for him as he is only the angry kid whose toy was taken, so i let it go and smiled..
      Our talks always ended with with blaming me that i dont like him and i am playing with him, and that i am changing him for others ( i guess this comes from, actually he is the one who was doing it this way)
      Our last meeting was in a bar, where he was with his ex…as i found out later

      A friend of his when leaving to another bar invited me to join, and told him: hey go pickup your girlfriend and lets move on.
      I was frozen and crashed, because that evening he told me he was busy going to the embassy for a dinner (missing a detail with whom)
      I was kinda grateful to hear this, because till then i believed they are not together, i tried to trust, but common i cannot be so naive (Gabi, the donkey).

      Oh and this childish message yesterday about the great night with a new women…i just laughed about it..another manipulation, to make me feel bad as usual, it was not the first time.

      I am just sorry he was not able to understand any of my points, he nevrr tried…and in the end, i need no such example for my son in my life…
      He needs to learn from a real man how women should be threated, but also i shall show him that women must setup limits too. This time i failed, but at least recognized.

      He was so good in making me feeling less, actually…


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