Recently I am not at all in line with the things I like to do, but sometimes you have no choice,  I guess you need to do the things that you are not really that happy to do (while I am writing this my gutt says the total opposite, being upset that I am saying that I have no choice). But, honestly, as a single mom, I cannot just jump around, move abroad and just try and go for new opportunities, I must have a stability and an income to live a normal life, and in Hungary that is not an easy question, this is not Western Europe and my current job is providing me stability and opportunity to grow on some other personal fields, even it’s super stressfull and it puts me to thinking many times.

I am not alone, I need to think two, but also three. My son has a father in Budapest too and we are on shared custody…

It is much easier to change and do the things you like in your 20-30’s when everything is only about you. I wish I had this brain back then, that I have now (how many times I heard this from older people and here I am now saying the same).

I turned away fully from shooting, photographing projects, music…though with music I am let’s say making some baby steps, learning to play a guitar, but I have to admit I do not believe fully in myself and in my ability to really learn once to be a pro guitar player, sometimes I feel it is maybe not my instrument? But, I decided to learn it, as if once learned to play, I could perform alone.

I am also impatient with myself, I would like to play it already now (not in 5 years), yet I do not really find time for practising (job and exhaustion is the major cause) and I am not really certain if I chose the best instructor to learn with. Actually, I had an argument with him last week as I am taking classes for months now and still have not learned anything exact and it is not only because of me as I do practise from time to time.

I was too much overwhelmed with my job, so I had no time to think about what classes he is providing, if he is good or not for me to teach, my focus was totally switched off and recently I realized he is not preparing for the classes at all and talks all the time about his private life, while my time is ticking. He is not motivating me and hey, I am practising the same 4 fingers on the strings for months.

So I told him, I am giving him another chance and asked him to learn a song for the next class we will have. He came last time unprepared, apologizing for not being ready for the class and managed to switch my focus away again by telling me: hey, anyway you should not learn to play a certain song, but to learn individually accords, because that’s the only way you can learn. He is actually very narrow-minded and bad listener about people/student needs. I do not believe the only way to learn play is if you are practising only accords, however I said okay, let’s do it, so he showed me the accords I already knew and I was playing them the whole class, while he was talking about his new “Emu shopping project”.

I am now sitting here and feeling myself dumb. Last time again he switched me off from that what I wanted to do. I understand there are basics to be learn, but he is not listening me at all. Basically, he was not prepared for the class, so he had to cover that in some way.

I am giving him the last chance on Friday, to see what he will come up with to learn. Last week when he was leaving I asked him to prepare something new to be practised on the class and the rest we can practise in his way, as he advises is good to do, meaning we can practise half time some basics and the other half of the time to teach me a new thing.

I am really curious if he listened me at all, let’s see that Friday class…

About acting and modeling..I have one beauty thing I am working on and will be completed in September. From September I will knock again on some agency doors to say hello and hopefully with some success to gain some jobs again!



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