Category Archives: love

how my flat became a shooting scene

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Lola messaged¬†me couple of days ago to help her, she was out of her mind from excitement, I thought something bad happened and then she showed me an article ūüėÄ

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As I opened it on my phone and the quality of the photo she sent is bad I just saw the title, it’s something like this: Peter Sr√°mek is waiting for the first kiss, and as u can see Lola on the photo (if you do not know her I am talking about this brunette on the photo). I just told her: oh common Lola, in what sh.. have you again get into? :))))

But, then she told me the story, she was with her friend (girl) and they heard on one of the radios that this guy, who is kinda becoming a celebrity looking for a date, and well, Lola is always into adventures ūüėÄ I am wondering why we get along well? :)))

So she sent her details on sms to the radio and guess what, she got chosen. Of course!

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Later, she explained me, she needs a place to stay, because one of the newspapers (u know these with gossips, by name ¬†“Bors” -a Hungarian one) will come to her to meet her and ¬†she is invited for a date lunch with the guy on the photo. So,do not be surprised for seing her on ¬†Super TV2

The next day the photographer ¬†and a journalist lady came, interviewed her, they made photos (this one is made by me with my LG). Look at her hot shoes ūüėÄ

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We laughed about it a lot, specially when we started to read the comments made on the page of this gossip newspaper (people commenting her as: she is dating the guy because he is celebrity, rich etc…the jelaous ones :)))

Afterwards, we picked up Filip from the childcare and went for a casting to Umbrella Budapest-New York.

This morning she arrived nervous like hell, showing me the article written about yesterday (only those who speak Hungarian will understand it)..she said,they put the worst photo about me :)))

This is the Hungarian article and of course not really reflecting the things said on the interview, but who cares, she is dating a celebrity :))))

http://www.borsonline.hu/20151217_lola_rogton_megtetszett_az_angyalarcu_sramek

I was the stylist and make-up artist  of Lola for the date, hahahaha

This photo she sent some time after she left the flat for the date…

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I hope she will enjoy at least the lunch! :))))

And I cannot wait to hear the details of the “date”.

and I have to admit, i love this diversity of my friends and their life-stories ūüėÄ

is it really so simple?

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I shared this post on my FB account, but actually I kept coming back to it, in the end I decided to add some thoughts to it in a blog to make it permanent among my documents ¬†ūüėÄ and also as a reminder to myself, as it¬†made me to think about these things…

I read some of the feedbacks people gave on these lines on Facebook…i like to read the opinions…so I’ll add¬†to the same lines here whatever comes to my mind, sometimes about relationships, sometimes friendships, family…

missing somebody…call – I actually do not like to start with this one as it is the point that is always present in my life..I mean I ¬†do call/visit my friends, family¬†etc, but sometimes I¬†have the feeling¬†I am the one always seeking/visiting them and they are not making efforts or they claim they are busy…

Sometimes as an end-result, after a while I give it in and search for new connections. OF COURSE THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. (I just had to decide choosing people more wisely around myself)

wanna meet up…invite – I do make efforts to invite people, but the same as above…and again, there are exceptions

wanna be understood…explain – it is so easy to say and so hard to explain sometimes the issues I¬†have..and well, this is what I am in confusion mostly e.g. when it is¬†about relationships. Sometimes I feel like I am not able to¬†communicate clearly things to be understood. Or the other that can happen, I explain and the other person ignores it. (Maybe wrong partner choice?)

have questions …ask – i think this is one of the things I am getting better and better. How I know this? Once I was walking in the street on Moszkva square (i prefer calling Sz√©ll K√°lm√°n square still with it’s old name) with my son wondering where one of the buses can be found to reach our destination and I was talking loud saying something like: I do not know how to find this bus..My son looked at me and said: Mom, as u usually do, ask the people in the street. ūüôā Yeah right, I told him.

don’t like something..say it nicely – hm, I¬†do not know if I can fully agree with this. While in relationships I am hard on words, in other fields of my life I can state¬†opinions much easier. ¬†I mean I understand we should be polite and I am doing my best to express unliking nicely, but sometimes too much “being nice”¬†is also too much.

like ¬†something…declare it – I do this very often, sometimes I realize how¬†surprising can be this¬†for some people. I heard from the caretakers in the kindergarden my 4 year old is praising the girls by saying them things like: Oh XY your dress is today very beautifull ūüėÄ

want something…ask for it – this is still hard for me…to ask for help, specifically

stressed…let go – oh yeah, I am stressfull person.. I do have still what to work on…this is actually my biggest weakness…stressed to breath, sing,¬†pose, stressed on being late, stressed on talking in public…

love someone…say it – this is another point I would argue/add a sentence to it…I actually replied to this thread on my Facebook account with the words of my friend In√©s, I STRONGLY agree with as follows:

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Falling….

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I fell in love with the lyrics of this song,

and You…I am sorry…I also wish it was different…

 

Boa Sorte/Good Luck

√Č s√≥ isso
N√£o tem mais jeito
Acabou, boa sorte

N√£o tenho o que dizer
São só palavras
E o que eu sinto
N√£o mudar√°

Tudo o que quer me dar
√Č demais
√Č pesado
N√£o h√° paz

Tudo o que quer de mim
Irreais
Expectativas
Desleais

That’s it
There’s no way
It’s over, good luck

I’ve nothing left to say
It’s only words
And what l feel
Won’t change

Tudo o que quer me dar / Everything you want to give me
√Č demais / It’s too much
√Č pesado / It’s heavy
N√£o h√° paz / There is no peace

Tudo o que quer de mim / All you want from me
Irreais / Isn’t real
Expectativas / Expectations
Desleais

Mesmo se segure
Quero que se cure
Dessa pessoa
Que o aconselha

H√° um desencontro
Veja por esse ponto
H√° tantas pessoas especiais

Now even if you hold yourself
I want you to get cured
From this person
Who advises you

There is a disconnection
See through this point of view
There are so many special
People in the world
So many special
People in the world
In the world
All you want
All you want

Tudo o que quer me dar / Everything you want to give me
√Č demais / It’s too much
√Č pesado / It’s heavy
N√£o h√° paz / There’s no peace

Tudo o que quer de mim / All you want from me
Irreais / Isn’t real
Expectativas / That expectations
Desleais

Now we’re falling
Falling, falling
Falling into the night
Into the night
Falling, falling, falling
Falling into the night

Now we’re falling
Falling, falling
Falling into the night
Into the night
Falling, falling, falling
Falling into the night

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Dark love comedy :)

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She woke up this morning thinking of the things he said…

“We never had a relationship, why would i have to introduce you to my friends, anyway you met¬†couple of them.”

It was just another prove he never took her seriuosly and how egoist he was. They were not in a relationship, but he was angry with her about the people she was meeting??? Oh to specify, the men (he did not approve, she guessed)

She remembered, he wanted to know her adventures. She never understood why. He told her it excites him.
In reality he got mad and told about her very bad things *without real basis.

He saw her on a coffee with someone and he went crazy?!

He was fake and he had no rights to do that. She was not his posession, never was and never will be.
She was faithful, even when she told him things to hurt him, it was a way of defending herself and showing him how hurted she was.
He told her you think i would marry a women like you? She knew he just wanted to hurt her and…
She was shocked on herself, as she never considered she would wanna marry him…it was a realization that surprised her.
They never had a relationship (as he stated), how came the idea of the marriage onto his mind?

Since then she is trying to summarize positive things into his account, but it does not work, she got hurted a lot and she understood how much energy she wasted and invested in this non-relationship (as he clearly confirmed in the end, she wished he said these earlier).

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She does not want a man who is hurting and insulting her,
She did not want a man calling her drunk in the night to tell her he misses her, while for many days he was busy for her,
She does not want a man who wants her to change her plans to meet him, while not doing the same (this is a repetition)
She does not want a man whose life is only about sex, sordid things (he liked using this expression), he was kinda proud on himself,
She does not want a man who thinks every man she is meeting she FUCKS (he lacked English expressions, she guesses, to express himself maybe in a nicer way or he was only reflecting on himself?)
She does not want a man whose priority is to have an open relationship, instead of building a TRUST and letting things happen,
She does not want a man who is a liar,
She does not want a man who cannot take the initiative and change things in his life, but lives in his conformity even feeling bad in the situation, and convincing her this is the right way,
She does not want a man that approves only his own convictions,
She does not want a man who wants to change her,
No man anymore that does not want to participate in her everyday life, he did not know anything about her struggles, issues, everyday problems…
She does not want a man who is telling her he loves her and the next day goes to another women,
No man that still lives with an ex, while telling her there is nothing between them.He acted as he is married to her. He was afraid of her as¬†from the devil and was giving to her opinion a lot. He could end up in the street if she would see him with another women, she guessed. He was not capable even to find himself a flat to rent and he did not wanted, why would he change anything. He had a roof above his head and if he got no catch for the night, at least there was one women at home waiting for him on a regular basis.¬† He was using her. She has a great network of influental people for advancing his carreer…good luck to him and it sucks the way he is doing it)
She does not want a man who never apologizes for his own actions, but expects to apologize for her mistakes,

She was ready to apologize, HE never admitted he is wrong in anything.

She does not want a man that cannot understand her imperfections,
She does not want a man that plays jelaousity with no rights (no relationship, right?) even she liked when he was jelaous, because those moments were approvals he had some feelings for her…

She realized she would probably never wanted to have a man like him for a life partner.
Marriage? She still tries to understand why he mentioned this? He was already “married”, he behaved like a married man anyway.
Some men think this is a point where they can hurt the most a women by telling her they would never marry her?
Well, not with her, he really did not know anything about her. Actually it was the point that she stepped back and said: why she never thought of him as a future longterm partner/husband?

There was no need to answer this…

She is still not angry at him.

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He never believed her for months she was interested only into him,
He never believed and trusted her,
Before they split she told him she wants to hurt him badly, because she felt betrayed.¬†She was not serious about it, it was just a way to defend her feelings. He took her granted, because he believed only in her “bad” words, after all these months he did not know her. This is how she was always defending herself ..hurting by words, not by actions…that was her imperfection.

She could hug him  Рsometimes she saw him as he was a kid Рand tell him she is sorry it did not work, she told him so many times they are not ment for each other, but he kept coming back to her convincing her they can work, he did not wanted to let her go. She knew they had different values, and she was getting more stressed and anxious about them.

He did not wanted to understand they had different view on relationships…
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It hurts when you like someone and you realize this person does not want to put the effort to make it work, just pushes you to do things in his/her own way…
This is where relationships starts to fall apart…

they both have to learn and grow yet, but not by being next to each other…12341106_1080092655335658_3221932438716018003_n.jpg

*p.s. the picture is not my property, i took it from a Facebook post.

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She¬†does not recall having such feelings long time ago, her¬†body is very alive…

There was once a person she¬†met on a party of a friend. They¬†clicked, she¬†was lonely, she¬†got into a one-night stand, couple of hours later in the room she¬†realized there is a women living with him, glazing on the clothing in the room, first she¬†thought he lives with an old lady for housing purpose (ouch, that was a strange thought, but not far from the true) …he brought her¬†a coffee to wake-up and ¬†after two hours of sleeping sent her to¬†the street, she was walking home confused. That was the FIRST SIGN – First wound.

They kept meeting he kept calling her from time to time, she was interested in him, but very quickly realized it’s not what she wanted (2ND SIGN-2nd wound), but the moments she could grab with him made her at least for a short to feel loved. He had a relationship, they lived together. 3RD SIGN -3r wound. He was telling her stories about his free relationships, ¬†soon she realized the two of them are not the only person in his life. 4TH SIGN-4th wound. She was not sure what she wanted from him, but certainly not to be one of them, still she kept meeting him, because she liked him, because she did not feel close for long time with someone. She was hungry for love. ¬†He was strange and sometimes really nice.

He used to call her, when he had time for her.  He used to visit her and leave in the middle of the night to get back to his girlfriend. 5TH  SIGN-LONG TERM WOUNDS.

By the time she started to feel the distance and the broken trust, she started to reject him, to avoid him, but she was not strong enough to be consistent, she wanted his love and to be understood. 6TH SIGN.

She wanted more, he just wanted her to be there when he needs her.

He was busy, his life was complicated – he was saying all the time.

Ignoring how her life was busy and complicated.

His problems were always priority.

She ran to him when he was ill, even she knew it was just an excuse to see her, because she decided to leave him for final.

They broke up, he kept living with his ex, telling the other girl they have nothing together.

He took her to his trips, she got couple of coffees and couple of dinners?

He was not even the best lover, but she did not mind, she loved to be close to him, untill she started to feel for him and understood she will always be just a 2nd, 3rd…option.

He never introduced her to his friends, he stated they had no relationship, why should he.

He took the ex for his trips, she was helping him in his work a lot. He was tied to her. She had understanding for this work relationship.

He was visiting the ex’s¬†family with her like nothing happened.

and they kept secret about their broken relationship in front of friends.

He was attacking the other girl she is seeing other guys, while he was telling her stories about his adventures.

He told her he was phantasizing about her while being with other women. She stopped counting all these signs and closed her heart.

He called her in the middle of the night, how he misses her and wants to see her.

He told her he dreamed to have a short haired blond women  when he was younger. He showed his poetry about it.

He introduced her nice music genres.

He was charming her when they were together (she could not relax and enjoy, because there was always that thought about being 2nd, 3rd, …she was trying so hard)

They met mostly randomly, by a chance in bars while she was with friends, in those moments he expected to spend the night together and he was being angry with her if she did not.

He told her she is crazy and sick for doing drama about all these things.

He told her he hates her because she in the end kissed a guy in front of him.

Later he told her he hates her because she slept with the other guy, he told her she could have make better choice, and as a last punch – why she did not invite him to threesome.

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She started rejecting him, finding new people to feel good with and trying to forget him and reduce the time they spend together.

She kissed by a chance a guy in front of him Рlater she though, maybe this was the only way he will leave her, as she was not capable to do it. Later she felt bad about it because of herself and because she hates hurting people, but she could not control. She said sorry to him.

She tried to setup meetings with him, he was never able to meet her when she was free, so she started to give up. As he never met her when she asked, the next day he called her to meet and if she could not, later he would attack her, how he tried to meet her, but she was blocking him. She just had no time in those moments. She also had obligations.

He never understood she also had schedule and life, she did not wanted to be anymore dependant on his time and needs.

She tried to step out.

Finally, she went for a coffee with a friend, he appeared, looked at her and asked: so you exchanged me for him? Nice of you. She felt bad for bringing a friend into this situation. She got hurt again, because he thought of her in that way.

He could think only in a way he thinks, not being able to let go his stories about her.

He cannot imagine having a man for a friend. He never was her real friend.

He did not know anything about her and her life.

She told him to leave as she did not wanted to argue and could not face him. She gave up talking to him, because he never listened to her words. Only he wanted to be listened and understood.

Finally, he wrote her the next morning he met a girl that was shocked about the behaviour of this women he had difficulties with and she was very understanding and had deep talks. He slept with her and proudly shared his happiness with the “non-status” girl.

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She knows deep inside he is a good man and he is emotional.

He must had been hurt a lot.

She was hurt a lot too.

They were both hurt, they did not know how to give, accept and share love.

She does not hate him, but she is very sad he never understood her and trusted her when she said he was the only person in her life, after all.

She even after all believed he just lived with his ex and nothing more happened. She believed they have deep  relationship. She helped him a lot.

She tried to trust him. She tried, because she decided each time they fought to try to trust his words.

She was hurt in the past a lot, she had to cure her wounds first, with him it was not possible.

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Time and music will heal her/his soul.

Good-bye

***p.s. look at the signs and discuss…or leave…

If there is no understanding for your needs, the best is to leave immediately…it is hard, yes. But, it will hurt less.

Do not allow to be manipulated and if you also start manipulating, stop it or leave.

Do not give up to learn to trust people even after “wrong” experiences.

Do not assume about the other person because of a bad experience in the past (it is the hardest she knows)

or just…

Open a new tab¬†and press restart and drink a coffee in Massolit (+arrange your internet subscribtion for your flat via messenger ¬†with¬†a really helpful friend) ***thank you Andr√°s ūüôā :*

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Love related

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Let me start with this. THIS WAS NOT A FULL CLICK this guy.

First, I need to write these things out of myself.

Yesterday night I was going home from an Open Mic I’ve attended in Mika Tivadar (not as performer yet unfortunately) and felt so lonely.

Sometimes when I felt lonely I used to call him and it was so hard not to press that “send” button yesterday on my phone.

I wrote and deleted the message to you 3 times. I never wanted you to be only part of my life when I was lonely. I wanted you to be next to me when I am happy, lonely, in tears…but, you were never there in those moments.

You wanted your freedom, you stated you are not ready for a relationship, I accepted, because I was longing to be loved. Who isn’t. I spent many years in a relationship without feeling loved and being accepted just as I am.

Life challenged me again, I did not learn some lesson. A lesson how to respect myself and love myself first when I am in a relationship. I still don’t know how to do it though, I failed again. I wanted to give myself fully and accept your crazy and weird way of thinking, but I realized it’s just not right for me, we have different values and views on things.

You used to be next to me when you had time. I wanted you to be present in my life.

You used to bomb me with messages: “I would like to see you”. I wanted to see you too.

“I am so down, I need you”. I ran to you.

Stay with me. I need to go home, because I live with her. (Gabi, shoot yourself!)

I told you I am so down. I will try to see you tomorrow, okay? NO…it’s not. I needed you there, on the spot, in that moment.

“I am sick, I need medicaments, can you help, please come”. I know it was just an excuse to see me, because I started avoiding you and you felt you are loosing me, but I went to you, because I cared for you as a friend too and I knew you will feel better. I wanted you to be happy. I know I was giving you good feelings.

“I miss you”. I missed you too, but I wanted more.

You sent me songs. I wanted to listen to that music with you.

I wanna see you. “I want to see you too, but I am so busy with my work and my ex, my life is so complicated, please be patient” empty words and weeks passing. After a week or two you called me, are you free to meet? I smiled, I am mom, I am working, I am arranging my documents,¬† finding new flat, arranging moving, new internet connection, looking for new job,¬† I am singing, I am taking Samba classes, I am going for castings, going for workshops for improving myself, I am doing shootings, I am meeting my friends, I am going for concerts, I am cleaning, I am cooking, volunteering, organizing programmes for my kid, trip to Serbia, etc…And I am meeting you when YOU have time. Seems like I am busy too, but i find time for important people in my life. I did care, till i got tired.

Yes, I became upset and i started avoiding you. I had no enough energy to stop with you at once. I was convincing myself it suits me, because I am busy too, but everytime you left I felt emptiness. You came back begging to see me and I let you in again, untill that one day.

That last night when we met  I gave you a good-bye kiss, but I had no energy to explain this.

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You do not hate me, just as I do not hate you after all that you said and done.

You are suffering just like me, but my suffering is serving me now to understand what I should not allow next time.

I hope to be strong enough to avoid close contacts with you. I really liked you. I liked your charm and beautifull words, songs, hugs, whispering, singing, they way you played violin, the spent moments together, your enthusiasm about your arts, your childish smile while laying next to me and telling me your funny stories, the language you spoke…

however…

well, take the same circles,

enjoy your freedom,

learn to respect a person you are with,

learn to find time for people that matter to you even when you are “busy”, life will pass and you will stay old and alone with your brilliant arts you create and noone to share with, but maybe this is what you need?!

learn to come out from your comfort zone, common, learn how to find a flat by your own and stand on your feets and not to be dependant on a women, sex etc…

I am a foreigner is not an excuse, it’s not easy...Dear, I was foreigner in this country too, I am still, but I love it and…you can always learn the language…just make an effort…if you care at all,

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: learn that there are other life views and opinions too.

Your conviction is not my conviction. You are not me and I am not you.

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I rather stay for another while lonely.

This post is not even the piece of all the things that are burning in me…

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i will find you sooner or later…maybe in Geneva?

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not giving in, not giving in…yes, maybe in a certain way this is also a Nicolas project…

nothing is coincidence…

my friend offered to pay me a ticket to the first destination i choose, i accepted and wanted to go to Genova as last time we did not really have time to see the city with In√©s. The same friend misunderstood me and booked the ticket to the most expensive city in the world :)))) to Geneva, but okay i am very happy with it (don’t u dare to misunderstood me, I am really very gratefull for this trip, but certainly i have to be on a minimal budget, if i can make it as its reaaaaaly expensive here, but the standard of living is high i can see that)

….and i kinda remember Nicola, Nicolas mentioning Geneva and maybe university of Medicines?? i dont know :(((

Geneva has only 200K inhabitants, and some parts inhabited mostly by portugese speaking people and most of them Brazilians…

i heard from the samba teacher here, if i did not misunderstand her, there are 30K portugese speaking ppl here…

btw the city is so colorful i love it, i could even imagine to live here for a while…

oh yeah, today I became colorfull too, my hairdresser was a bit more brave then me…

hehehe, i am not posting yet my haircolor and cut…its short and….guess the color?!

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Today i was with the Brazilian Cultural Center, I had my Samba class! It was very much fun, the girls were great, the instructor genuine, just perfect!

I proposed them to visit us with their performance on some of the Brazilian parties, i need to talk to Lucas, he is organizing the parties in Budapest and i know he is buying in also the idea of performers, and i think these girls would happily come to Budapest to perform.

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I cannot wait to see the lake tomorrow…maybe i will sleep on the lake tomorrow as i have no host yet for tomorrow,

tonight it is solved by a person called Thomas Filip Nicola…what a crazy coincidence with the names…

he printed a map to me and told me some nice places, tomorrow i will do some cruising with a daily transport ticket…

another great quote

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Urban Dictionary: Ines

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Urban Dictionary: Ines.

Do you believe every name had a higher meaning? I kinda started to observe what the names mean and I have to say this one fits to my friend so much.

Here is a playlist of the songs I created for healing my soul:

Nice guys exist!.. But they are not for you.

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Hi In√©s ūüôā

finally you did it!

I have to admit I really do believe they exist and we will find them, they are all around us, we just always notice the “wrong” ones, but it’s because we always choose the “same patterns”, untill we learn the lesson too and that’s first love your self to be able to love others.
Stay honest to your feelings and the one who is honest with his feelings will find u! I believe in this!

I realized each of them thought me something about myself, I do not regret any of the contacts I had in my life.

And btw Redbull – Vodka shot, it’s really great combination for a shot, but why not to consume it as a coctail sometimes :)))

If you are for a hug, list me next to the Teddy bar ūüėČ I mean bear ūüėÄ

I am sending you a virtual hug right now.

See u tomorrow!
Gabi

uncensoredenissa

Girl, stop crying for this fucker. He left you ? And what ? Earth still turn around the sun and birds still shit on you hair. Nothing else changed. Ok, your heart is broken, but try to fix it with the Super Glue 3rd Generation and go out to get a hangover with your very best friends.
if-you-want-to-fix-a-broken-heart-friends-have-got-the-best-glue-quote-1
You know, those friends who are not afraid to pee when you are calling them, those friends who are lying on the floor just after one fucking tequila sunrise, those friends who make you smile as ridiculous they are, just in being themselves.

Took at www.lostateminor.com  www.lostateminor.com

After this fucking hard time you lived, the best medicines are your best friends. Going out with them is the best way to feel that you still alive, that you still an entire a person and not the quarter you think that your ex left behind him. And…

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