Category Archives: spirituality

Healing my soul…

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well, I do not know even where and how to start….

maybe with the fact that I have lots of tragical and traumatic stories in my family…but then I’ll skip on telling you about my experience from yesterday, that is related to overcome these traumas…

Couple of days ago I assigned myself for a workshop Intenzív csoportos blokkoldó kezelés (Intensive therapy for releasing blocks) in MagNet Közösségi ház on Andrássy by Kitty Vajay.

I just quickly read through the details of the workshop and decided to attend it. I did not dig into the details of the event, however some parts like technics for releasing traumas, blocks, they caught my attention and actually I decided to go for it and finally confirmed my attendance when Kitty dropped me a line if I am really going, since she needed the confirmation about the number of the people in the group.

The spirit of the group was nice, I felt comfortable with the girls/women (I advice men to attend these kind of events, not because only women attend it, but because of yourself and self-development).

The therapy is actually a guided-meditation with Kitty as a facilitator, the session is 2 hours long with short discussion in the beginning.

I went there without expectations and I had the feeling I left with a face as I had a facelift, not from botox, but from crying (we called it natural facelift and laughed about it).

While we were doing the meditation I had very strange experiences, in some moments I felt like my body was grounded by some magnet, it was pulling me down to the earth. I had this feeling many times during the session. In the other moment, I felt filled with love, lots of hearts floating in the air and connections with random people and mostly with my family members.

My first vision was, my mom shaking me in anger, as I am a baby. I forgave her. I cried intensely, somehow I was able to put myself into her situation, I imagined how hard it’s to be a mom with 17, with that young age…but also at any age.

Later I was an embryo in the Universe (please do not judge me, I was just letting my thoughts and believe me, it was for me also weird). I had moments when my mom and dad hugged as I was a baby. It was a moment when I cried a lot, I felt like this was the first time I got fully connected with them and I was covered with their hugs, love and felt safe.

Kitty was randomly and intuitively pressing points on our bodies during the session, at some places it hurted me like hell and I had such a strong breathing outs.

During the whole session I had problems with breathing, I could hardly follow the breathing instructions Kitty was giving us. At some point I had to release my efforts to do it right and tried to be focused on her breathing instructions only in the moments when I was ready.

I recall Kitty pressed a point on my left thight, it activated in me some thoughts about my grandfather, he had troubles with his knees, he became very early paralyzed from hips to his legs, the weird thing about this is, that these days I also had some problems with my left knee while I was dancing.  I might find a doctor to check on it.

As far as I recall I was the favourite granddaughter to him, he always cried when we visited him. Before he died I haven’t see him for long and I am still trying to forgive myself, because on his dying bed he said to my mom he dreamed of me. He was calling me in his dreams, but I have not responded back.

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In the next moment, I had moments of connection with a person who died recently and I actually did not know him well. I did not know him at all I did some photoshooting with him some time ago, but I met him in a very passionate artist and nice person. I did not understand why he came into my “visions”. I tried to push him away, because I did not feel it right to be part of my journey, but then I realized, for some reason I should have leave him to be part of this process.

For quite long I saw only his smiling face and then of of his eyes dissapeared, while on the other eye he had this rotating hypnosis kinda circles. For some reason I thought of him like he is a clown, it was bothering me that he tried to have a strong eye contact, I could not oppose him so I let him to express himself. I let it go and hearts started to show up, many small hearts floating in the air. After a while his wife appeared with a sad turned down head. I was with between them, seemingly I was the connection for them to communicate to each other. I realized I was trying to lead my thoughts. I released again couple of strong breaths to focus and the two of them started to fill me up with these hearts, I started to cry again. It was a moment when I came to a conclusion I am giving away to much of my love and I am not keeping much for myself. The two of them confirmed. She dissapeared, my crying stopped, her husband remained with the same silly face staring at me, he wanted to make me laugh and I started to laugh. He was smiling and telling me with his eyes, Gabi, this is what I wanted to achieve.

Thoughts were telling me I have to get in contact with his wife in the upcoming periods,I will wait some period, she is in a hard times now and we do not know each other so well even we used to live in the same dormitory long time ago when I arrived to Budapest, we even carry the same name and we are from the same country. In my vision they were the perfection of love.

While I had this connection with the two of them I got filled up with love and some lights started floating out of my hands, I even got connected via these light with some crying lady in the therapy room. I did not share this with the group at the end group discussion, I forgot it :(…maybe I should have done it, because maybe it was not by a chance that I connected with that person in the room.

Some of the girls had only emotions coming up or body feelings, but no visions during the session.

At some point I was full of love and spreading the hearts around the people in the room, then in the whole place and then the whole Universe.

I remembered Filip, I released my thoughts of being not the best mom in every situation.

Suddenly my dad showed up, he hugged me and I cried with him for his loss. I never met my grandpa.

Kitty, while I am writing my blog, I am crying again, I try to hide my tears in front of my collegues, but I am letting the process to move on (more or less).

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In a moment a face of a very unpleasant person in my family showed up in my vision, he was serious and I was shouting at him (not loud :)) but, inside of myself very heavily) I shouted to get away from the family, he made enough bad things to all of us. I was shouting at him very much, I was shouting at him for putting my aunty in a state of getting alcoholic, for raping his stepdaughter, for being the bad energy in our family. I wanted him to die, but then my counciousness told me, Gabi you would never wanted to wish to anyone to die, I was ashamed of wishing his death and then he just disappeared…I still do not know where to put this in context.

Suddenly his  daughter appeared in my vision, I do not recall why, she was just there and smiling at me, but I felt positive energies from her. I am not really in a contact with her in real life, because she did many troubles to me and my sister.

We had at the end a group discussion about our experiences. I need to say this was for the first time I experienced something like this, it was also the first guided meditation I ever did. I always thought I cannot visualize things for meditation, but actually I did not have to visualize anything, I just had to release my thoughts, follow the instructions when I was ready and let myself to the whole process with all the emotions.

I allowed myself to be myself. I relived many emotions, sadness, crying, laughing.

At the end of the therapy the song from Enigma started to play:

‘Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way

Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.”

There I made a decision about my wish, dreams to make them come true. I do not know yet how, but I am more determined then ever.

I wanna do musics, modeling and acting and I’ll find the ways to achieve sooner or later.

S… it’s hard to note down this, I hear the echo voices telling me you will fail, you are still not determined to do it,  I hear the voices of different people saying, “but you need to have a secure job, you cannot live out of that”. My inner voice says: I know this is NOT TRUE. You can fail, but if you do not try it will be a bigger failure.

…I am compiling my thoughts and decide to LEAVE THE ACTION FOR THE NEXT WEEK, I’ll still have to think through once before I really move on…

*******The therapy is available only in Hungarian as far as I know.

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Jeff Foster – modern way of spirituality

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Jeff Foster, the man whose writings took me out of my darkest days 1,5 year ago…i am gratefull for his existence…

http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/writings/shockingly-simple-principles-of-spiritual-awakening/

From time to time you might have realized I am posting, commenting, liking some of his posts…

he has zounds of good thoughts on his personal website, feel free to browse,

I might visit once one of his retreats, hopefully….

another great quote

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Urban Dictionary: Ines

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Urban Dictionary: Ines.

Do you believe every name had a higher meaning? I kinda started to observe what the names mean and I have to say this one fits to my friend so much.

Here is a playlist of the songs I created for healing my soul:

Nice guys exist!.. But they are not for you.

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Hi Inés 🙂

finally you did it!

I have to admit I really do believe they exist and we will find them, they are all around us, we just always notice the “wrong” ones, but it’s because we always choose the “same patterns”, untill we learn the lesson too and that’s first love your self to be able to love others.
Stay honest to your feelings and the one who is honest with his feelings will find u! I believe in this!

I realized each of them thought me something about myself, I do not regret any of the contacts I had in my life.

And btw Redbull – Vodka shot, it’s really great combination for a shot, but why not to consume it as a coctail sometimes :)))

If you are for a hug, list me next to the Teddy bar 😉 I mean bear 😀

I am sending you a virtual hug right now.

See u tomorrow!
Gabi

uncensoredenissa

Girl, stop crying for this fucker. He left you ? And what ? Earth still turn around the sun and birds still shit on you hair. Nothing else changed. Ok, your heart is broken, but try to fix it with the Super Glue 3rd Generation and go out to get a hangover with your very best friends.
if-you-want-to-fix-a-broken-heart-friends-have-got-the-best-glue-quote-1
You know, those friends who are not afraid to pee when you are calling them, those friends who are lying on the floor just after one fucking tequila sunrise, those friends who make you smile as ridiculous they are, just in being themselves.

Took at www.lostateminor.com  www.lostateminor.com

After this fucking hard time you lived, the best medicines are your best friends. Going out with them is the best way to feel that you still alive, that you still an entire a person and not the quarter you think that your ex left behind him. And…

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singing heals soul

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I was really not in a mood to write for couple of days and actually I was cut off from Internet of Phone services or my phone just went flat very quickly, I do use my phone a lot for uploads, but I realized if I want to upload a video which is long and I have no Wi-fi access, seems like my phone gets very quickly flat, probably by searching for a network, but actually I do not get why it doesn’t use then my regular package for telecommunication services where I have some internet credits too, though it is possible that it cannot handle a videos longer then 20 sec, as I have the very basic package, or I just used all my credits? I do not know, but it’s not important actually, as I can do it from home through wi-fi (now it works okay).

Today was amazing day again.

A recent met friend invited me for a free of charge singing classes, with this I met new 2 person in my life and I went to the place with 2 recently met friend in my life. Actually, the people I was with today were more then that and while walking back home from Corvin square where I said good-bye to my friends and told them I wanna walk home with my feelings and thoughts (Jeff Foster, u are using these 3 words all the time, btw u are my unknown friend too).

While I was walking I was facing the universe.

I saw how my mind is labeling the people in the street,  this one could be a Swedish person, this one a Chinese, this one could be  Turkish, this one could be Spanish…I just let  my thoughts flow.  Sometimes I have the feeling I recognise in the people their previous lives or just simply I see in them all the nations, this can be some of their facial, behavioural, emotional, the way of dressing, characteristics reminds me to some other nations even they have their FACE that labels them to belong to one nation. It’s like I have insight in their soul.

I feel so weird for saying these  things and actually I would love to see some of the peoples facial expressions reading this and maybe even thinking I am high  or drunk, or just simply crazy, but on the other hand I do not mind that much about that,  because this is what I feel in any person I meet for the first time.

Quite often I meet someone I ask them about their nationality based on the first impression, sometimes I miss it, but mostly i don’t.

I asked him also, are you Turkish? He replied, no, I am Italian, but later adding actually both parents Brazilians. So, I missed it. That’s good, because I thought I know him, but i did not.

Or the Turkish guy yesterday in Ötkert, he looked like Arabian, but had an accent of a Turkish person, however I concluded he is Turkish.

Or the Serbians  in Viking yesterday after we finished the photoshooting, girls do you remember?

Inés, what did you comment on me there? Something like, dont worry she is doing this all the time, and u added something negative about me :)) I laughed on you, because, I really approach people with this question often. I find it funny to shock people.

Okay, so we arrived to the singing class and a kinda grey-long haired guy in a tale greated us.

When I first met him, I felt nothing, except that he was talking Hungarian. I realized this only now.

As we started to listen to those child songs,  he let out his voice and musicality I got goose bumps.

Each song reminded me on one of the important stages of my life, and actually couple of minutes ago all the song  got cristalized in front of me. While we were singing those kids songs.

At the first song I cried,

It reminded me on being a baby, coming to the world, my fear of being rejected by parents. Sorry, mom and dad, I felt rejected whole my life by you. And I feel rejected still by my whole family. But, it is okay. I cannot judge you at all. You all feel/you felt the same, I know. And I am so afraid that my son does not feel rejected by me and his father each day, because we are separated and different. While I know this was the best decision, we got new chances in our lives and I hope we are raising the greatest kid ever.

It reminded me how I was afraid to give a natural birth to my son, I was rejecting him too.

It reminded me on my mom. It reminded me on my roots. Mom, do we have some Gipsy blood in our family? Grandma’s surname is Berta. Mom, it reminded me on your dream country America. I think we have ancient Indian blood.

The song is about an Indian girl, somehow my mind just correlated to the rejected Indians in America or the Gipsys in Hungary and sometimes in Serbia too.

My moms name is Iren, analysing her name, it comes from Greek and means “Peace” I never had.

The second song reminded me on my family, whether it was about my parents or my first husband. I do not want to express anything, just listen to the lyrics of the song once I get the permission from the teacher, I must share these with my people. It reminded me on Serbia and Hungary. On the acceptance and the rejection I felt in both country being labeled as Hungarian or Serbian. It reminded me on my father, I wanted to fulfill his dreams. I became director and well payed manager, something he always regreted he could not achieve, he was regreting he had no chance to finish a better school, but he was always attached to the place he was born, afraid of changing safety for an insecure place. I can rememeber another person in my life about this.

I was afraid of his rejection, I was afraid of my ex-husbands rejection I wanted to prove them I can do it instead of them. I was afraid if I do not achieve those things I will be rejected. I got rejected anyways. And I will be rejected yet many times. Both of them are stubborn and I recognise these in me too.

My fathers name is Josef and ex-husband  both focused on wealth and increase.

My future teacher, I am crying again, thank you for letting me to open my soul and you friends who accepted me crying there. I cry out now alone all those things I was still not ready to do there, sometimes it is okay to stay alone with your pain.

The third song, brought me a silence. In the past months I felt I met the one. I felt I met myself. I felt I met the right place to live.

Everything was/is here where I am.

I felt I found the right one in Nicolas, but he could not believe I am standing in front of him, just as I could not believe he is standing in front of me. Even I lost him I feel peace and I feel him very often and I feel we will meet again.

His name means people’s Victory. My Victory.

It reminded me that I can find jobs from here to work abroad too. It reminded me that there are no limits. It reminded be to be even more open on every nation, every location, every people in the world, every job, every song….

This is why I am trying out new places, new concerts, “consuming” new guys, finding new friends,  keeping the right ones, I am breaking my limits, but being honest to my needs and I am experimenting with life. I am trying out new things and I am picking from everything those things that suit me the most, not limiting to a single religion, language, country, culture, race, cooking recipes, guys, sexual preferences, arts…but still within my limits 😉

The fourth song I think is in a first row about you. You opened in me the Universe, I am afraid to note this down, because I might seem foolish??

Today, you reminded me on joy and happiness, on my friends, my present, to my life with all the people that are in my life, whether it’s my life, career, relationship with all the goods and bads, like my Yin Yang piercing :D.

Your name means defender of the man. You showed me I do not have to defend from man anymore.

I am the whole Universe through everything I experience, I cannot differentiate anything by country, language, race, skin color, hair color, profession…It’s the song of my life flow, just letting off everything and and going with the flow, whatever it bring, good or bad, I need to grow yet on every field of my life. While walking home I was observing and memorising all the things I experienced.

The fifth song,  friend who came into my life on NYE, it reminded me on my French – Arabian friend Inés (even the culturally you are present in the song, Inés I will shoot myself, what is gonna be the next surprise and coincidence u will give me?) , who is present now in my present. I never met a friend like you before! Whatever happens you will be always another piece of my heart and life.

Name of Inés means “pure” and “holly”.  You are reflecting me onto it.

It reminded me on all of you who are among my friend what ever experience I have with you, because nothing is coinsidence.

And it reminded me to be my own friend with showing and sharing all the feelings and thoughts and not to judge myself because of being myself.

Salute and have a great time in Eger!

the 6th song at the teachers place made me cry again. It reminded me on my son.

Filips name means: lover of horses. In Chinese Horoscope thats my sign. Filips sign is rabbit.

It reminded me to stay a child in this world, to be accepting like Filip accepts me with all my stupidities and with all the good and bad experiences he will experience in this world with us with everything.

I am missing the 7th…i think there is a 7th song too…

btw Black and white yin-yang symbol in my symbol in Feng shui, u remember for the weekend i was struggling to put it in my nose…

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As I was walking home from Corvin square not having my BKV ticket with 0 Forints in my pocket I was thinking about the whole day experiences,

TODAY….

I laughed, I cried,

I was sad, I was happy,

I was suspicios and trustfull,

I talked to myself, I was calm,

I behaved bad, I behaved good,

I was hugged and I was hugging my own pain,

I thought I could never sing Indian “song”, I  realized I can,

I felt being accepted, I felt being rejected,

I felt being Serbo-Hungarian 🙂 and I felt being everything else,

I cried from sadness and I cried from happiness,

I felt being confused and I felt being clear with things,

I felt being a kid, and I felt I do not wanna feel being a grown-up,

I felt to be a mom, and I felt being a kid,

I felt being a wife and I divorced,

I felt being a party animal, and I felt being a person sitting at home relaxing and writing its blog,

I felt being showing an example and I felt being bad example,

I felt being lazy and carring,

I felt being stressed and relaxed,

I felt having a pain because of having a heavy life and I felt being lucky to enjoy the ease of life,

I felt being bad listener and I felt being a  good listener,

I felt being rule breaker and I felt being a rule follower,

I felt being determined to walk home by foot and I felt being lazy so I took the easier way risking to be punished for not having even a BKV ticket,

I felt being loved by my family and not loved and so on…….

but TEACHER, nobody ever told me so clearly that I am special, blessed, sensitive and I promise with the first occasion I will come for your classes, now this is one of my biggest goal, to come to your singing classes!

Silence is sometimes better, then any marketing activity.

You are all special too!

And tomorrow I will listen to these songs with my son. He will be so much into it, the best combination.

Cartoons with lyrics and songs, we can practise together till we meet, probably in 3. He is special too!

And I will break one more time my promise.

I will send this post via Facebook message to all of my friends, acquitances, relatives, family members, collegues, ex-collegues etc….

I am appologizing in advance if I was disturbing you with my mail. I wanted to share this with all of you.

The title is empty as I do not know what title could I add to this.

I leave it on WordPress to add whatever it will add….

oh and now as someone who did a good job I will  light a cigarette and drink my coffee and Inés, I made an Earl grey tea for myself too (i have to say it will wait for you here to drink it :))))